alkaline

Today has been a hard day. It's Canada Day, which to me, is "Conway" day - the 2 year anniversary of my friend Conways death. He died of cancer, a disease I met him right in the middle of. I don't do well with losing people, and I hate to admit that I always kept it in the back of my mind that we could lose Conway, and didn't let myself get as close to him as I could have. But it was hard not to as he was one of the friendliest and most caring people I've ever known. He always knew when something was wrong and would take you into the piercing room (we worked at a tattoo shop) to talk things out and tell you everything would be okay until he made you smile, which he always did. I remember feeling really numb when I found out he had died and didn't really believe or accept it until his funeral. His funeral was the first and only open casket I've ever been to and I'll never ever forget it. People don't look the same when they're dead... it's like this empty shell that once held a special soul that you can feel is no longer there. But we got to say goodbye, and for that, I am thankful.

He died just before he was about to get married - and I don't know that I've ever known a woman stronger than his fiance because I know I could not have kept it together in the way that she has. His friends and family use this day to celebrate his life and what he meant to all of them. They hike to the top of the cliff where his ashes were spread, where they spent so much time with him in life, and I know that he wouldn't want it any other way. So many of my good friends were so much closer to him than I was, and besides the sad I feel for how I miss Conway, I feel a deep sadness for them and the void that is left without him. Every experience in life leaves you with a lesson, I believe. My lesson from Conway was most definitely not to take people and their impact on you for granted, and to smile through the pain, because thats the memory everyone will have. So, thanks Conway. RIP, my friend. I love you and I will always remember your strength.

With that, Im obviously feeling a little sorry for myself for not being with the one I love. Which in turn makes me realize I am completely alone here. I left everything and everyone behind for a reason and I will never regret it, but that doesn't stop the loneliness at times like this. Everyone I know and love is living their lives, surrounded by friends and/or family and I am always just by myself. I know I won't be forever, and I know that everyday is a day closer to never being alone again. But some days are just harder than others and today seems to be one of those days. If Im taking a lesson from Conway in that every day could be your last, and you should be spending your time with people who mean something to you and not taking that chance for granted... Im a big fucking failure because I CANT be with those people right now. And if I ever lost someone and knew that while that was happening I was sitting on my butt alone feeling sorry for myself, I would never forgive myself... But I just don't have the power to change any of that yet. It's a terribly frustrating feeling.

This brings me to a point that I hate to bring up, but its been on my mind. I know that I CHOSE to leave Vancouver. No one wanted me to go, but I got up and left them all behind anyways. And when I first left, and lost friends just in the fact that I was gone, and now haven't heard from 90% of the people that I thought I was close to.... part of me is terribly upset by it and I DO feel the loss... BUT I think it's for the best. I feel like it's like I died to a lot of them and sure, they love me and remember all the good times we once had, but its fucking HARD to miss someone and sometimes you just have to put them out of your minds and live your life. I'll probably never see or talk to some of my "best friends" again, and thats okay as long as they're happy. I DO still talk to my best friend in the world oliviabolivia (who is gonna be my maid of honor at my wedding!), and she said something to me the other day that meant a lot. She said "Vancouver is not your home"... and though I spent 25 years there, and went through SO much, and left behind so much love and emotion.... I know that she is right. It's not my home. When I came out here, I really did think that maybe Toronto would feel like it was.. and it doesn't either. And one day I will find the place that feels like it is and I'll be with my love and we'll have a (family?) and a life.... and then I will be home. But everyone I have and will meet in between has had an impact on me, and been a part of my story that will never change. Sometimes I do my best to pretend that I really don't miss where I came from, and even though I'll never go back, the secret is that I really do.

There's something better out there for me, though. And I know I'm on my way to it. I just have to man the fuck up and be strong until it's time. Easier said than done - but from today forward, I will really do my best. I have love... thats more than I can ever say I've had before so I know I shouldn't look at things as negatively as I have been.

Props to you if you actually read all that brain vomit - sometimes I just have to get it out whether anyone reads it or not so... yeah.

OH and my ONE good friend here in TO just won a 3 month membership on SG!!! She's not signed up yet, but as soon as she is, you'll all have to add her! She's one of the few things getting me by these days besides the love of my life... and the cats of course (cant forget the cats).

If you made it this far with me, you deserve a laugh. I don't know if you will all find this as funny as I did - but I laughed for a good half hour. Oh Steve and Tango - I love them.


That is really all.