Login
Forgot Password?

OR

Login with Google Login with Twitter Login with Facebook
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • SuicideGirls
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
Vital Stats

alistairmather

I am at home anywhere.

Member Since 2002

Followers 11 Following 3

  • Everything
  • Photos
  • Video
  • Blogs
  • Groups
  • From Others

Sunday Jul 27, 2003

Jul 26, 2003
0
  • Facebook
  • Tweet
  • Email
for the longest time i thought i knew pain. from a physical perspective i spent the first half of my life being beaten up as the smallest, weakest, and oddest child around. i have spent the second half in and out of surgery for a number of inherited or developed problems that have left me mostly scar tissue and partially crippled. in spite of this i have thrived, and am fairly healthy outside of my few odd complications.

from an emotional perspective i have been the social death warrant of every person around me. at some point, every friend i have ever had has realised that turning on me is more beneficial to their image and existence then sticking with me. and everyone worries about what other people think about them sometime in there life.

but i have weathered this too, and many of those who abandoned me once have returned to me. i had thought by now that i had suffered enough not to let it bother me. my first love will always see me as the older brother, the semi-father figure she never had. and until quite recently the second love i was lucky enough to find seemed to be attatched to me in spite of our failures on occasion.

and then one day, she decided not to speak to me. this hurt, and it lasted some six months, and i coped. comforting myself with the knowledge that this too would pass and that i had weathered such straits before. recently, after my second surgery this year, she came home from school and she came to visit me. i was overjoyed that she still cared and hoped that with some more time things could still work... after all, six years of being together off and on is a considerable amount of time in lives only twenty or so years long.

then she asked me for advice about dating, love, and sex with the man she has recently decided to spend her life with. a man who is not me. a man who she has openly admitted to me to providing with all the things i had asked for in our relationship that she felt she could not give.

pain has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

i thought i had traded away my soul years ago for the tolerance to bear me through the trials i have brought upon myself. i have attempted to be the best of friends, and i am always there when i am asked for, in the hopes of rectifying the errors in myself when i lost them all. instead it has brought me the girl i have loved since the middle of high school to believe that i am the only person she can speak to freely about matters of the heart... providing it is not my heart.

what remains of my tattered dignity is gone. what soul i thought lost has returned to plague me with its newest rent.

i hate love. i hate pain. and i especially hate how weak i have become.

good night all.

More Blogs

  • 03.30.07
    0

    Friday Mar 30, 2007

    This crawled its way up and out my brain the other day. Been thinking…
  • 01.26.07
    4

    Friday Jan 26, 2007

    Another excerpt from the novel in progress, tentavely titled "The Jac…
  • 01.18.07
    0

    Thursday Jan 18, 2007

    Written a couple of months back after dropping off a relative at the …
  • 11.04.06
    2

    Saturday Nov 04, 2006

    An excerpt from the lastest chapter of the novel in progess: Sil…
  • 09.01.06
    1

    Friday Sep 01, 2006

    A napkin falls, drifting quickly down with fluttering tumbles. T…
  • 05.20.05
    4

    Saturday May 21, 2005

    The ballroom floor was a whirl of black and white. A twisting, writh…
  • 01.30.05
    3

    Sunday Jan 30, 2005

    So, when I began running a journal on this site, it was in the hopes …
  • 12.04.04
    2

    Sunday Dec 05, 2004

    The whales went flying by today. The sun was just starting to set…
  • 09.23.04
    8

    Thursday Sep 23, 2004

    The world turns and turns unless its stopped, and it stops more than …
  • 08.02.04
    1

    Monday Aug 02, 2004

    I stopped and talked to a little black kid sitting on a porch stoop f…

We at SuicideGirls have been celebrating alternative pin-up girls for:

23
years
10
months
21
days
  • 5,509,826 fans
  • 41,393 fans
  • 10,327,617 followers
  • 4,600 SuicideGirls
  • 1,114,613 followers
  • 14,947,706 photos
  • 321,315 followers
  • 61,460,371 comments
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
  • Help
  • About
  • Press
  • LIVE

Legal/Tos | DMCA | Privacy Policy | 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement | Contact Us | Vendo Payment Support
©SuicideGirls 2001-2025

Press enter to search
Fast Hi-res

Click here to join & see it all...

Crop your photo