Wrote this little essay at the club last night (i'm the only writer in the world that goes to dark, noisy, gay dance clubs for inspiration):
I resent a lot of girls for wanting nothing to do with me. I resent Michelle for shooting me down after I put my whole being on the line to ask her out. I resent Gift for never noticing me and stalking my sister instead (a girl who only likes women when drunk). I resent Wendy for never noticing me, or maybe she did, and we were both too shy for anything to happen (and I resent her for not knowing the truth about that).
I resent the 50 dykes that are regulars at the club and never see me. One would think that seeing the same girl in the funny hat every week would cause one of them to notice her and ask her to dance.
I do the best I can, but I'm scared. Of--well--everything. I'm afraid of being rejected by a woman, afraid of someone wanting me. Dating a woman, having sex with one, telling a woman that I love her (should that ever happen).
I'm scared--I'm scared that I might not be who I've thought I was for the last five years, and I can't find out without someone giving me a chance. I want to give up, but I don't want such a big 'what if' to haunt me my entire life.
I resent a lot of girls for wanting nothing to do with me. I resent Michelle for shooting me down after I put my whole being on the line to ask her out. I resent Gift for never noticing me and stalking my sister instead (a girl who only likes women when drunk). I resent Wendy for never noticing me, or maybe she did, and we were both too shy for anything to happen (and I resent her for not knowing the truth about that).
I resent the 50 dykes that are regulars at the club and never see me. One would think that seeing the same girl in the funny hat every week would cause one of them to notice her and ask her to dance.
I do the best I can, but I'm scared. Of--well--everything. I'm afraid of being rejected by a woman, afraid of someone wanting me. Dating a woman, having sex with one, telling a woman that I love her (should that ever happen).
I'm scared--I'm scared that I might not be who I've thought I was for the last five years, and I can't find out without someone giving me a chance. I want to give up, but I don't want such a big 'what if' to haunt me my entire life.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
bredbyaliens:
not for noyhing but i dont say vocalizize my opinoions for thr pleasure of the masses, i say what i feel. i felt you suffering and i thought you were too young to bear that pain. i was clinically dead a year younger than when you wote this. A girl i was in love with for almost 10 years ripped my heart to shreads.( yes it was mostly my fsult) but i eas too young and dumb to realize the consequences. i dint want anyone to ever. tried to take my own life. pills, drinking, driving, cutting, slicing whatever. its only a temporary distraction from the real pain.
jwmonkey:
Damn your cute 
