I went for a walk around the beach with Ray this afternoon. He wasn't with me in person obviously, but he was constantly in my mind. He keeps me company wherever I go. We hold hands most of the time and chatter to each other the mix of silly and serious talk that lovers say to each other.
It is getting dark so early now. It was only around four o'clock in the afternoon when I went out and already an almost half moon hung in the dusky blue sky like a fat thumbnail. The lifebuoys blinked red and green in the slate grey sea and the lights of a couple of boats twinkled in the distance.
It's hard not to feel lonely and insignificant standing at the seafront in Pingley, especially when it's growing dark. A rocky sea wall leads down to the beach where the north sea rolls in sending spray up onto passersby. When I was a kid the sea wall was covered by sand and tufts of maram grass and we had no idea there were rocks underneath. Time and the motion of the waves eroded the dunes away, like time and tide will often do, exposing the jagged rocks underneath.
There are always people sat in their cars watching the waves, throwing scraps to the seagulls. It's a popular spot just to come and sit. I've never owned a car so I've only been able to walk or bike along the seafront. More often than not on my own. Always with Ray in my head to keep me company and give me confidence. With Ray's love I shine. Ray's love is the cure all I need to win at life, it conquers all demons.
Sometimes I tell him how good he made me feel in bed the night before, how I have been following him around like a grateful puppy all day and he has earned my undying loyalty. That makes smile and look bashful. He's a confident guy but all men are are insecure about their performance in bed, everyone is. We all glow when we are praised. I tell him I thought I would never be able to properly let myself go with another person and just give myself over to sex. It's not that I'm inhibited sexually, I just can't turn my brain off and my fears and self doubts enough to live in the moment. With Ray I can. I rest my head on his shoulder and we sit comfortably in silence enjoying the intimacy.
Ray had quite an old fashioned upbringing. I say oldfashioned, but it was pretty normal. He was raised catholic and bought into it all and is still a practising catholic to this day. He understands my qualms with the church after it took my mother away from me and I understand the comfort and strength he gets from it. His family are uneducated and poor and he was never pushed to do well in school like I was. He bitterly regrets not working harder in school and I must admit I resent his parents for not cracking the whip. I get that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, but I would absolutely never have gotten away with less than doing my best in school. He sat looking out the window waiting for playtime so he could play football. He only cared about sport. I feel his parents let him down.
His father was perpetually underemployed and his mother was a stay at home mum to their five children. Despite the poverty, they were a very loving family. I can't get over the differences in our families. They are all so close and loving. They definitely have their arguments, pretty bloody fierce ones at that, but they have complete loyalty to each other. I had a bit of an emotional crisis when I first started spending time with Ray's family in Cork. I had no idea how lonely I had been my whole life. I was an only child and never had many friends. Looking back I think my intensity seemed to scare people off. I saw other gymnasts as competition rather than teammates and was very cool towards them. Then my mum left and it was just me and Baba at home. He worked such long hours at home and I vied for his attention with childhood cancer patients. That's a confusing mix of emotions. I was aloof and standoffish and never fully fit in anywhere.
I was always extremely busy with dance, gymnastics and keeping up with schoolwork, but I never really had any close confidants. I don't want to be harsh to Baba, he really is a wonderful man just with a very demanding, thankless job. I was a latchkey kid. We had no family in Scotland. Baba left his family in India behind and the rest of my family were in Cork and this was before the days of texting and zoom calls. I was a painfully lonely kid and I didn't even fully realise it until I met Ray's loud, loving, threadbare, rambunctious family.
This realisation was a real stab in the heart and took time to deal with. I actually broke down in tears at Ray's house on afternoon. I felt so incredibly stupid. I had gone round for tea and everyone was talking at once and they were laughing together. Ray's mum was very attentive and Ray was beaming with pride that I was there. I was over at his house quite a lot now and we spent most of our free time together. Ray spoke about doing stuff with his brothers or cousins all the time and I just couldn't relate. He was never lonely because he was never alone. He always he someone he trusted and felt safe with to spend time with. They didn't have much but their house was full of love.
After we had eaten and his siblings had disappeared to do their own thing I was helping Ray's mum with the washing up. There was so much of it! I didn't know how she took such good care of so many people. I wiped away gravy from a plate and she hummed contentedly to herself as she put the dishes away. Something in me just cracked as I realised what I had missed out on my whole life. A house full of love and brothers and sisters.
My eyes blurred with tears and I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. I didn't want to cry in front of her, over something so silly, but the tears were coming and I couldn't hold them back. I made a loud snuffling noise.
'Khalilah pet are you alright?' she asked. 'Oh, you're pregnant are ye?' she said, fer face filling with horror.
I spluttered out a laugh. 'Oh no no Mrs Kane, it's nothing bad, I'm just being silly.'
She put her hand on my shoulder. 'Is my lad treating you alright? He thinks the sun shines out of ye from what we can tell.'
'Oh yes,' I assured her, 'Ray is fantastic. He's really the best.' I nodded enthusiastically. 'It's.. I grew up in a tiny family, I'm an only child and my dad was always at work and.. well I'm sure the jungle telegraph reached you about my mam.'
'Well, yes,' she said, sheepishly. 'It wasn't right she did that.'
I brightened, feeling vindicated. 'Oh thank you!' I told her. 'It's just been me and baba since then and I didn't realise how empty the house was. We've no other family in Edinburgh, in Scotland at all. So it's mad to come here and you're all so lively and it's a real family home.'
She put her arm around my waist and gave it a squeeze. 'You poor love,' she said. 'You'll miss your mam.'
'Yeah,' I whispered. To be honest I had spent so long resenting her I hadn't even thought about whether I missed her or not and I realised I did, very much. I wiped my nose on the back of my hand again and went back to the sink. 'It just crept up on me, that's all. You have a lovely family Mrs Kane,' I said, forcing myself to snap out of my funk and plaster a smile back on my face. Now wasn't the time for an emotional wobble.
'Thank you, lovey,' she said. 'And you're welcome over any time. We've never seen Ray like this over a girl before, but don't tell him I told you that,' she said with a wink.
Now it was my turn to beam.