Luke and I are a weird kind of on again off again together but not really together sort of thing. I know he loves me in his own way. He is a wonderful, beautiful person but he is extremely emotionally constipated. It requires a set of pliers and a drill to the teeth to ascertain what he is feeling at any given moment. I hate not knowing exactly where I stand with people, especially someone I'm in a relationship with. Despite his annoying reticence, he is the most scrumptious human I've met in real life and I love him dearly.

Unfortunately, I'm just not that easy to get along with. I mean, I'm just not that easy to be in a relationship with. Luke wasn't even my first long term relationship. My first love lasted over four years and was wonderful, but my special brand of crazy brought things to an end then as well.

It's not something I feel is really within my control. I can't be cured, and until I'm cured I'll never be able to live a normal life.

I had my first full on panic attack when I was seventeen. I didn't know what it was. By the time I figured out what was happening, they were happening regularly and I couldn't stop them. Medication and therapy couldn't stop them and they were rearranging my neural pathways and taught me very quickly to be afraid to leave the house. They were so overwhelming and powerful they managed to do this to me in a few short months.

I went into a very severe downward spiral of fear and anxiety and learned behaviour. Before I knew what was happening I was agoraphobic.

I didn't want to say the word. I wanted to dance around it artfully and let you draw your own conclusions, but I've said it now.

I have been agoraphobic for twenty seven years.

Some of that time I have barely been able to walk to the end of my street. Other times I have been able to spend the night at a boyfriend's house a couple of towns over. Usually I can walk up to a mile away from my house. All the time I have struggled to be away from my home, my safe space. Public transport is out of the question. Getting in a car with someone I don't feel safe with is equally impossible. Traffic lights make me want to vomit.

I could go into lots more detail but I don't want to right now. I try not to dwell on it, the missed opportunities, the life that has passed me by. What a fucking loser I am. If I spend any time thinking about it I get very upset indeed, and what does that achieve? Instead I have to be happy with what I have. I'm luckier than a lot of people. I have to stay positive. If I thought about what an utter waste the whole of my adult life has been, I don't even know what I would do. So I snap my mind shut and don't let myself think about it.

Being me makes relationships tricky though. Even the most patient and understanding person will get frustrated after a while. Who wouldn't? I wouldn't want to be with someone who was content to have such a small, empty life.

Luke's life was in Manchester, three hundred miles away. He got a permanent job there and opportunities to see each other just got further and further apart. Eventually we had a very amicable parting of the ways. We both wanted to lose the romantic part of our relationship but remain best friends. And that's what we are now. We video call each other every day and message each other throughout the day. We both agree, our nightly call is still the high point of our day and we've known each other for ten years.

It's a weird relationship but it sort of works for us. I don't like to examine it too closely in case it breaks under scrutiny. We have each other and we love each other deeply in our own way. I don't know where I'd be without him and I know I definitely make his life better.

I'm knitting him and scarf just now as part of his christmas present and there is love in every stitch.