(HOLY SHIT. THANK GOD I BACK STUFF UP AS I GO IN MY GOOGLE DRIVE. SG DELETED HALF OF WHAT I JUST WROTE WHEN I HIT POST.)
My first date was on the last day of the school summer holidays in 1991. I had just turned sixteen a few weeks before. I was a bit of a late bloomer, I know. I was painfully shy and my self esteem was so low the idea of asking a boy out was impossible. The notion of a boy being attracted to me even moreso. I want to go back to adolescent me and put my arms around her and tell her she's just as good as anybody else and to treat herself with love and kindness as nobody else will. I'm not sure it would have made any difference, the damage was already done. If any boys had paid me attention before then I would have done anything to bask some more in that sweet delightful glow. I'd have thrown myself away, debased and humiliated myself for some prick to use for ten minutes and pretended I loved it just to feel wanted. I'd never known what being loved felt like. I thought my parents loved me, I'm sure they did in their own way, but their way of showing love was constant abuse, fear, disregard and abandonment. If you kick someone enough, a slap in the face feels like a nice change.
My best friend Amanda knew a boy a couple of towns over, they had worked a summer job together at a bakery. They had gotten along well and he suggested she bring three of her friends and he brings three of his friends and we got to the cinema on a group date. How exciting! I was so there. I usually spent the summer holidays hanging around the house. We never went anywhere, there was nothing to do in Pingley, nothing I was allowed to do anyway, and I had a track record of not being able to hold down jobs. I was worried mum would say no but she gave me money for the cinema which was a rare treat. Pingley is more than thirty miles away from the nearest cinema and we never had a car. You can still count the times I've been on your fingers. (There are also no McDonald, Burger King, KFC or any other fast food places. We have no Starbucks but recently we did get a branch of Costa which feels revolutionary. I haven't been yet as Fran worked for Costa and fuck her.)
Amanda, me and two other shy bookish girls got the train to the city. Amanda has naturally curly chestnut coloured hair and a girl next door prettiness. She was always dumpy and frizzy haired when we were young but she had really blossomed and outshone me now. I felt plain and plump next to her. Emilia, my other oldest friend came too. She had an athletic figure with light brown hair and an achingly beautiful, intelligent face. Our other friend Nicole was plainer. She was my music buddy and obsessed with bands. She rarely spoke about anything else, maybe Twin Peaks. She wasn’t over weight but built in a squat shape and had a frumpy face. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I definitely wasn’t the prettiest girl in the group. I wasn’t the least attractive either. It all depends on what the boys were into and how the chemistry went.
It's about a thirty minute journey. I had another reason to be excited. Love and Money had a new album coming out!! It wasn't due for release quite yet but interviews were starting to appear in magazines. I knew there was a big interview with James in a music magazine out that same day and I was out of my mind with excitement. My first date and a big interview with James all on the same day, holy shit!
When we got off the train I headed straight for the branch of WH Smith in the station to buy the magazine. I excitedly grabbed it and was rifling through the pages to find him. I saw him sitting on the banks of a scottish loch at dusk when the woman behind the counter barked at me, 'You can't touch the magazines if you're not buying them!'
I handed over the money feeling put out, telling my friends I was going to buy it, acting like I was being unjustly picked on. Very adolescent.
I stowed James away in my embroidered hippyish red drawstring bag which would be my schoolbag for the next year. I was itching to read the interview and read between the lines and learn every word and see if he was trying to tell me something. I would have to wait til the train home.
We met the boys outside the train station. They were all really nice and matched us well. They were clever and nerdy and into music. There was a pair of good looking twins, a shorter dark haired boy I never seemed close enough to ever get to talk to. I think he was called Malcolm. He seemed like a Malcolm. I paired off with a boy called Gareth. He had strawberry blonde hair, a jade green jumper and he smelled nice. We hit it off nicely. We walked to the cinema and made a beeline for the back row. I had never sat in the back row of the cinema before, with a boy as well! It was all so exciting! I remember chatting with Gareth about They Might Be Giants and finding out his birthday was at the beginning of October.
We watched Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. I remember absolutely nothing about it. 'Everything I Do I Do I Do It For You' by Bryan Adams had been number one in the charts all that summer. We went to McDonalds afterwards. I don't think I had anything to eat, I never had any money. I think I had a small Fanta. Everyone was in pretty good spirits. We strolled around an arcade and the boys played a few games. Arcades have never been a place I feel at home. I have no coordination to the point I think I might have a problem like dyspraxia. It's embarrassing. I can't play computer games unless they are point and click. Any sport that involve racquets or throwing a ball into a hoop, or god forbid catching a ball are totally out for me. I used to feel physically sick with fear and worry before P.E in school.
Malcolm suddenly announced his departure and hotfooted it to a bus. The other boys murmured. 'Strict parents,' as we watched the red glow of the taillights fade into the distance. We all nodded, understanding. I was surprised I was even there, and understood better than most. My mother wasn't so much strict as completely unreasonable.
The rest of us walked to the train station. We all stood at thee big double doors on the street outside. It was quite at this time in the evening, although it was still daylight.
One of the twins started kissing Emily. The other followed suit and kissed Nicole. What felt like an epoch of time passed and then Gareth muttered something that sounded like, 'Would you like to kiss?' but all I heard was. 'Kiss?' I gave enthusiastic consent. I am profoundly embarrassed for how badly I kissed Gareth. I wanted to fully participate in the experience so I got stuck in. He must have felt like he was being plunged, poor lad.
We all said bashful goodbyes after that and the boys went off to their bus stop and we ran down the stairs into the depths of the train station. Our train was there waiting and we piled in, full of giggles and teenage amazement, ready to dissect what had just happened.
We felt bad for Amanda who had missed out on a snog, but she was pretty and was started to get the boy's attention. She had snogged boys before and it would not be long until she did it again. Emilia, the other pretty girl, had attracted a few boys before but due to her shyness wasn't in the popular crowd who had lots of boyfriends. For Nicole and I it was our first kisses. We all laughed because as soon as their lips had parted Nicole piped up, 'Crikey!' She said in a tone of slight disgust, 'He put his tongue in my mouth.'
I replied, with some swagger, 'Oh, I had mine in his!' I was thrilled to have had this experience, to have finally gotten it out of the way. I didn't feel anything other than relief and pride. There was nothing sexual about it. Not a tingle or hint of excitement. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel. I didn't want to ask what other people felt when they kissed.
More importantly I had my interview with James to read. I casually pulled the magazine from my bag and found the page. It was getting dark so it was hard to make out the words. Nicole was sat next to me and was wanting to have a look through the magazine. I wanted everyone to disappear and for me to be at home in my room alone with James.