This site seems full of girls looking for sugar daddies (no judgement) stringing stupid men along who think they stand a chance with them. When I was younger I posted nudes and absolutely ached for validation from any man who would look twice at me. Now I don't care and think men who post buy naked pictures of women and post the saddest, most objectifying comments are total losers. I don't give myself away like that anymore, but can't judge anyone who does. I don't feel like I belong here anymore though. I just wanted to make some new friends in lockdown, but it's so bloody hard to find groups. It's ridiculous we're being charged for this. I'm just going to use the blog to sketch out my nanowrimo project and then disappear into the night again. You can all paw at each other in peace.
The wind blew so hard all last night it kept me awake. I had the worst nights sleep I can recall ever having. I feel like I woke up every half hour and tossed and turned for a while listening to insane blasts outside before I drifted back off before repeating the whole process. In the end I got up around midday, which is gross and now I wont sleep properly tonight.
I went for a walk with my mum and her dog. I never say much when I'm with her but she has a manic need to talk incessantly because she cannot abide a lull in conversation. She says it feels like there's something wrong and she must fill every silence, so she talks constantly. Mostly about nothing. What she watched on tv last night. Programmes I don't watch. People she met in the street. What's on special offer in the supermarket. Granted, a global pandemic does throw up a lot of potential for conversation, but she does manage to turn it into a handwashing lecture to her adult daughter, which makes me grimace. She was telling me the correct way to put my mask on the other day, then coughed in my face without covering her mouth. I jabbed my finger at her, which felt quite brave, and told her not to lecture me about masks after coughing three times without even attempting to cover her mouth. She had coughed twice earlier on our walk but at least was looking in the other direction. She just said, 'oh I forget,' and started to witter about something my stepdad did.
Absolutely fucking clueless.
I'm obsessed with The Cocteau Twins just now. They sound like the sea. And the clouds and the heavens. And floating in the sea and the clouds and the heavens. It's good escapism. I've gained lockdown weight and am living in tracksuit bottoms and tshirts just now. The sports centre is open again, but I think it's absolute madness. I walked past is one night when I was out for a walk and could see inside. All the treadmills were in use and behind them I could see people on the elliptical trainers. It's just a petri dish of puffing and panting. I would love to go to the gym so much but I just can't, it seems so dangerous.
I'm working on an exciting spooky crochet project. I don't think it will be completed by Hallowe'en but never mind. I'm making it up as I go along and it could be a disaster, but I'm quite excited about it. Will post pics when it is finished.
oh god what am i doing