alia666

Only two more days until your birthday,
yesterday was mine.
You'll be turning nineteen
I know what it's like
Growing up without a father in your life.

So I pretend I'm doing all I can
and hope someday you'll find it in your heart
to understand why I'm not around
and forgive me for not being in your life.

I remember waiting for you to come
I remember waiting for you to call
Remember waiting there to find nothing at all.
--slightly edited version of The Saddest Song by The Ataris.

Been wondering about my dad a lot lately. What he's doing. Where he lives. What he looks like. If he thinks about me and my brother and sister much. I just want to know what he's like. This never used to bother me. I've been thinking about it though, and I really have no idea what it's like to have a father. A few months ago a friend was talking to me about how much she loved her dad and I was sitting there, nodding, drawing a complete blank. My mom told me that I have his hair and the same sense of humor and that I inherited his stubbornness. I'd kind of like to see that. My brother has his eyes. At least, I think he does from photographs I've seen and the fact that my sister and I and all the members of my mom's family have blue eyes and his are hazel.

I used to get so mad. I'm not really mad anymore, just curious. What DOES it feel like to have a father? And what does mine look like, and what would happen if we cracked jokes together? Would I make him laugh? I want to see this man that helped create me out of thin air and who apparently shares my hair color and my laugh.

There's also that nagging little worry though. That he really doesn't think about us. I mean, he would have written, sent birthday cards, called. And he didn't.

I worry sometimes though that my dad's going to die someday and I'll never have known him. Worse, that I won't feel anything when I get the news.

I try not to think about it though.

On the upside though, I know that because of this, when I have kids of my own I'm going to love them so much and do everything possible to be the best parent ever. And always be there.

"I remember waiting for you to come.
I remember waiting for you to call.
I remember waiting there to find nothing at all."