I feel bad about being such a mope so early into this journal. But I have to get some stuff off my chest and I'm sure there aren't very many of you who actually read this anyway.
so...
I had an actual physical meeting with my lawyer and counselor today for the first time regarding my trial (I'm prosecuting a man who tried to rape me). This morning before I left the house as I was trying to decide what to wear, I found myself putting on the baggiest clothes I had (long pants and a greatful dead t-shirt with my sweatshirt over it even though it was 70 out).
The meeting was intense to say the least. My lawyer wanted more details then anyone else had ever asked me for. Like how was the apartment set up, what was I wearing, what was he wearing. intricate details that were hard to remember, especially since this all happened in february of 2004. I answered him as best I could. Since the first time I told this story, I have told it a thousand more times to so many different people, friends, detectives, lawyers, clerics, counselors, assistants etc.. but this time, I cried. I hadn't cried while telling the story since the very first time I told the story to Joe who picked me up right after the incident.
As tough as I try to seem, I still having underlying guilt at getting myself into such a stupid situation in the first place. Everyone always says that rape victims have trouble with guilt. I never understood until now. It seems irrational to others for me to feel at all guilty, but I do.
Anyway, the meeting lasted about two hours. It closed with my lawyer trying to prepare me for what the defense may ask, and warn me not to let them get under my skin.
The trial is tomorrow and I am absolutely scared shitless. The whole way home I was wishing I was invisable. I just wish nobody could see me, I feel disgusting whenever anyone looks at me on the street. I just want to lie in bed curled up into the smallest ball I can manage and have Joe pet me. I want to close my eyes until it's passed. Why can't I just cover my face when the scary parts come up?
I wish my last days in Boston didn't have to be laced with dread and fear.
P.S. I'm normally a very happy person! I swear!
so...
I had an actual physical meeting with my lawyer and counselor today for the first time regarding my trial (I'm prosecuting a man who tried to rape me). This morning before I left the house as I was trying to decide what to wear, I found myself putting on the baggiest clothes I had (long pants and a greatful dead t-shirt with my sweatshirt over it even though it was 70 out).
The meeting was intense to say the least. My lawyer wanted more details then anyone else had ever asked me for. Like how was the apartment set up, what was I wearing, what was he wearing. intricate details that were hard to remember, especially since this all happened in february of 2004. I answered him as best I could. Since the first time I told this story, I have told it a thousand more times to so many different people, friends, detectives, lawyers, clerics, counselors, assistants etc.. but this time, I cried. I hadn't cried while telling the story since the very first time I told the story to Joe who picked me up right after the incident.
As tough as I try to seem, I still having underlying guilt at getting myself into such a stupid situation in the first place. Everyone always says that rape victims have trouble with guilt. I never understood until now. It seems irrational to others for me to feel at all guilty, but I do.
Anyway, the meeting lasted about two hours. It closed with my lawyer trying to prepare me for what the defense may ask, and warn me not to let them get under my skin.
The trial is tomorrow and I am absolutely scared shitless. The whole way home I was wishing I was invisable. I just wish nobody could see me, I feel disgusting whenever anyone looks at me on the street. I just want to lie in bed curled up into the smallest ball I can manage and have Joe pet me. I want to close my eyes until it's passed. Why can't I just cover my face when the scary parts come up?
I wish my last days in Boston didn't have to be laced with dread and fear.
P.S. I'm normally a very happy person! I swear!
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
the hotel in the forest...where is that, it looks amazing, so natural!
[Edited on Aug 17, 2005 11:14AM]