alexisk

My little bro is moving in with his gf next week. He's such a sweetie. Went out to celebrate with them last night and he wanted to use all my makeup stuff. Taught him how to use concealer and foundation. He learns pretty fast! So looking forward to getting home. Spent too much time at my parents place. They get home tomorrow night. I can't wait to get home cos Freya and Louse are gonna take me out next week, we gonna go on a dykscapade. Bar hopping round all the gay bars/clubs. Be my first time going to them. Nervous, excited and can't wait to bust a groove! I've been learning all sorts of dance moves. The melbourne shuffle is my favourite so far.

I wrote something the other day after my lil bro's mates shouted me a huge sesh;

One of them asked me what I want in life. I didnt quite know what to say at the time but it made me think...

I want to annihilate myself in cobain-esque fashion to the cheering of millions who share my hideictions. I
want that self-inflicted, apocalyptic, drug addicted existentialist state to be drawn out into my music where
I can stare at it in a vaguely vacant facial expression before twisting into passionate embrace with my guitar
that bleeds my music from me to my amp....where we kiss our farewells and play out our parts with enduring
perfection.

To know I matter before I die. And to live, breathe, die doing what I love. When I unravel, I need it to be
to the sound of applause, the sound of love, of acceptance. It will always be my guitar, and my guitar, me.
I hope this was what I was meant to do in life or someone may be unimpressed when it ends.

To know it matters if I feel something. That what I feel matters enough that if I play it in a song, someone
might know the feeling and connect with me through it. And then I would feel alive. And to live, you
need to feel alive.

Imagining walking into it;

You walk into this Nirvana like moment, already pitty to the self-destructive form of anti-art. This wasnt new, after all, being already a fan of the degenerate cobain'ish sentiment. Though this latest recurance being somewhat more of a 'lets do it again, only this time more destruction, less self', then the afforementioned 'genius' driven type of self destruction. Does it matter that I hurt? Not really. Why? Because I am not important...yet. I have done nothing for anyone else, and I am nothing to anyone else. I need to write something that someone else feels. I want to touch the world with my music, to share the moment with the world and me. To feel that harmony, that balance, of a million minds tuned into yours. and in the noise of it all I can feel silence and hear peace. And I wont feel alone.

Still, maybe I was reading a bit too deeply into the question. I'll probably answer "Be a performer" next time.
Luv Ally, xX