I've been operating on autopilot for the longest time now. I can't remember when last I felt that I was really myself and on top of everything. I'm missing some little spark in which I actually reside. It's intangible; you can tell when that spark is there and when it isn't, but only by its effects.
I can look back over the past several months and see it getting progressively dimmer, like a flame using up the last of its oxygen. I'll spend minutes staring into space literally not thinking about anything. I won't finish things that I've started, or I won't start things that I've promised I would start. I read headlines but no longer have the focus to consume the article. I've started getting up later and consequently getting to work later, sometimes not arriving until after noon.
Speaking of work, that seems the one place where I occasionally feel something anymore. When I'm deep into a problem, the time slips away, and I'm spared a few joyless hours. But even those times are becoming less frequent. I'm spending some of my hours on a project I don't particularly want to work on, so my concentration slips until I again find myself staring at (through?) some indistinguishable spot on my cubicle (uggh, how I despise that word) wall.
As I read what I've just written, the word finally comes to my lips - passion. Without it, I'm an automaton, going through the motions, but just as dead as any machine.
I want to cry. But my heart's just not in it.
Therapy? - So Much For The Ten Year Plan is in the CD player. Good shit for a troubled mind.
I can look back over the past several months and see it getting progressively dimmer, like a flame using up the last of its oxygen. I'll spend minutes staring into space literally not thinking about anything. I won't finish things that I've started, or I won't start things that I've promised I would start. I read headlines but no longer have the focus to consume the article. I've started getting up later and consequently getting to work later, sometimes not arriving until after noon.
Speaking of work, that seems the one place where I occasionally feel something anymore. When I'm deep into a problem, the time slips away, and I'm spared a few joyless hours. But even those times are becoming less frequent. I'm spending some of my hours on a project I don't particularly want to work on, so my concentration slips until I again find myself staring at (through?) some indistinguishable spot on my cubicle (uggh, how I despise that word) wall.
As I read what I've just written, the word finally comes to my lips - passion. Without it, I'm an automaton, going through the motions, but just as dead as any machine.
I want to cry. But my heart's just not in it.
Therapy? - So Much For The Ten Year Plan is in the CD player. Good shit for a troubled mind.
That is a tell and deep box to sit in. I'm sorry things are that way. The office job has never been correct for me. It's unfourtunately one of the things that America sell to people, sort of like all of the things we consume in our free enterprise economy. The only way for people to be fulfilled is to spend their lives searching for that higher pay, that nicer car and house, That status of being in control or positions of power. The school of life has never been completely kind to me, but things have come a long way in these past couple of years. Fulfillment must come from within even if it sounds cheezy, and it's not gonna be that coveted office postion that will make the cup overflow for me. Can you take a nice vacation ? Sometimes that helps a bit. My creative side has always filled me with this need to do all of the tings that I do now. I am drawn to new forms of music , art , and creativity all the time. It is my true vent. I work to live, not the other way around. I do go through spurts where I work too much though. Like now , A good friend of mine JW is planning a trip for Europe at the end of March. There are several places we are going to check out over a two week period, but Tax time is April 15th. I am freelance, so I need to pay all my taxes, have money for the trip, and bill money for April and Part of May before I go. That is a tall order I tell you.
So I will burn out over the next month probably, but time off will be the key.
so i quit and went back to school.