alannah

So here we are at that time of year where most of us start thinking of all the mushy stuff that go along with the holidays. Lets just take a sec and get it out there. We are almost at thanksgiving, coming up quick on Christmas and the end of the year. My birthday has past, so this is the part where I sit and ponder the last year, where I was, how far I've come, how close I am to where I want to be. So, lets see...

Any of you know this has not been the easiest year of my life... by far. It seems there has been one giant tsunami after the next. At times I have felt very small in the scheme of things. But I have come far in understanding myself, and the life I have made. I have grown, been tempered and strengthened. Trial by fire is what I will call this chapter in my life. I have looked into the darkest parts of myself and those around me. I have found; in the deepest dark places; you search for light, and find it... like stars in the dark of night.

So to start, this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the dark, I am thankful to be tested. I am thankful for the right time to re-evaluate myself, and learn where my strength lies. I am thankful to look and see death for what it is... motivation to live, every second to truly live without holding back. I am thankful to see the strength in living with reckless abandon. For it is not the lack of being mindful of the consequences of action. It is the true appraisal of the worth and risks involved in truly showing no fear. It is doing full force, what you don't want to ever think of regretting not doing, and standing in the face of all opposition. It is knowing that what is right for one is not right for all, and vice versa. It is following your own heart, damn what others may say. It is making life happen, rather than letting it happen to you.

I am Thankful for being forced to make the choice between my own morals and the ethics imposed on us all. I am thankful to be told what others expect of me, and having the chance to decide if it was what I expect of myself. I am thankful for love and life, and the love of life. I am thankful to be told by those around me what is wrong or right, and the strength to stand and face those words, then decide for myself. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned through tose trials.

No crybabies, he said. Use this as a motivational tool to do what you need for you, the other said. Does the worth outweigh the risk, said the next. Do what's right for you. Accept reality, and that is that some things are beyond our control. And finally, The rain will still fall, the sun will still rise and set, the world won't stop moving, and neither should I. Return to what gave you some sense of stability, whatever that may be.

These are all things you find on the inside, deep in your gut. The sheer determination to never allow this world to break you down. You will fall and bruise and bleed. You will fear. It is what you do in the face of fear that matters.

Most of all, this year, I am thankful for love. The love of the people who through all of this gauntlet I have run, have been there for me. The ones who heard me cry all night, yelled at me, fought with me, and listened through many a bottle of whiskey. The ones who always have my back. I love you all. There are a few who have been an important part, and you all know who you are, so a big shout out to ya'll!!! I wouldn't want to try to do this without you!! You're the best!

So thank you life, and love. Thank you fate and destiny. Thank you my family and friends. Thank you me of ten years ago, for growing into the me of today. I love it all.

Happy Thanksgiving to all those I am thankful for!