akuma_usagi

let me start with yep, the joys of motherhood. i puked on my feet yesterday, i am really starting to get tired of this. yuck, I can't even think of that pukey incident. I just wish my bronchitis would finally clear up. It's been a month now. I am also really starting to hate my profile pic. It's just ugly. I enrolled in school this week, yay for me. But the school was doing some things and could only give me math. I want the fun art courses not boring old math. AND I LOST MY CALCULATOR!! I can't buy a new one cause I spent all my money on books that they couldn't give me. Yah, I haven't been up to much. It won't stop raining, so I am not going outside. K, so I am finishing high school. I dropped out at 15 when my dad left me and my brother on our own. I keep trying, but making no progress towards grad. And its not even the work being hard, it's more easy then anything. It's just that weird state of nirvana I have. That procastinating will to do nothing. And if I want to start making excuses I can go on the old my momma's dead, this is just another chapter of my life closing. Another part of me growing up alone. I almost didn't go to enroll this week, I spent the night before my appointment in gloom over the fact that I can't even see her for one hour. Just one hour. I never thought of it before. I was eight years old when she died and I accepted then that I could never see her again. But I still knew her then, I knew her voice, her face, the smell of her shampoo. Now I have fragments pieced together from old pictures and memories of things I don't think ever did happen. I have also been thinking of the guy who murdered her. I wonder if he fathoms exactly what his actions have done. If he understands at all what he has done. I'm not sure why that matters. Maybe because he never went to jail and the next time he is drunk and doesn't like what some girl says to him, what's going to stop him from killing her to? I hate the law and how useless it is, I hate living with racist sterotypes, I hate that life is so fleeting, I hate that its raining and I can't go outside, I hate that I keep puking(especially on my own feet), I hate when people think only of themselves, I hate that I didn't have anyone to take a photoset before I was pregnant. And I hate having to hate things.
I guess its time to accept, to grow up, graduate, have this baby and it all be worth it if I never have to touch another donut.
oh I posted some baby pics, I am practising being a boring, annoying parent.
huh, I've to quit keeping this all inside, but I think my cat is tired of hearing about it.
ok, I go do boring math now.