I was waiting for the bus this morning and by sheer stupid luck, the first song on my 975+ playlist to pop up was "Maintenance" by Aesop Rock. After the song there is actually about 15 minutes of silence followed by a hidden track called "1 of 4". This song is about how Aesop Rock (real name, Ian Matthias Bavitz) suffered a nervous breakdown in the summer of 2001.
Listening to his description of the thoughts and emotions he had at that time in his life sounded familar to me. Everything from:
Simple primitive self taught, easing of soul, mind and body but the symptoms rejected my cave-man modus operandi So now it's one fish belly up, through medicated mol edge Shrinks that get 250 an hour for awkward silence And, I'd be lying if I said all of this made even the slightest fragment of sense to me That's frail... Simply put I don't know what happened, or what's stillhappening I literally feel like I'm teetering on the blunt edge of my sanity
to
I want you all to know that I'm scared
Now my fuckin' crooked soul never faced a monster like the last few months Never in my whole life...
I wish I could explain this better (I can't) But the pieces won't formulate it to anything even close to cohesive
I wish it didn't, but it all sounded too familiar.
Maybe I just want it to sound familiar. Like I want something like this to be wrong with me so that I can pinpoint some outside stressor that is making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own life. Something "bigger" than me that is making me feel this way.
Maybe there's really nothing wrong with me that a swift kick in the ass couldn't fix. I hope so. I really hope I haven't been suffering from a nervous breakdown these last couple of months.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I know that it scares some of my friends to hear me depressed and hear me talk like this, but, truth-be-told it scares me too. I just want to feel normal again. Even though "normal" for me includes the occasional depressed episode, it doesn't include wiping tears from my eyes in the morning while waiting for the bus.
What you're going through, all I know is that generally speaking, talking it out is good. Your chronicles about Katie's story have been inspiring for more people than you realize, and it's a very good thing that you're able to reach out here and to your friends and flag folks that you're stumbling over some stuff and could use a hand.
As you can see, you've got all the support and encouragement of your friends online and in the immediate vicinity, and you clearly have good instincts on knowing when you're in trouble. Get whatever good help your instincts or friends suggest that makes sense. If you're dealing with some heavy shit and this is in fact a nervous breakdown, at least know that you can weather it, and that 1) you can either overcome all the stress or 2) when it goes away by itself, there will be smoother sailing for you.
You're a good dude who deserves the help and support you need. We'll be here.