akirali

Why I've been so down lately.

Baby do you understand me now
If sometimes you see that I'm mad
Doncha know that no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong you see some bad

I have so much on my mind and heart right now. I miss Katie so much right now. But at the same time I feel like an outsider among her friends and family. I feel like they don't want me around because they don't know me. I'm just "that guy in Philadelphia". I also feel like they think I'm an asshole because I haven't been up there to see her yet. I feel like I've let her down because I haven't rushed to her side. Yes, I know what you're saying "no one fells that way about you, they don't hate you." And you're right, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it.

And then there's the "current crush" situation...

You know sometimes baby I'm so carefree
with a joy that's hard to hide
Then sometimes again it seems that all I have is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side

Here I am, again, pining over someone I can't be with. These things never end well. If you don't believe me you can rest your fingers in the scars on my heart. It always ends the same way. I finally admit how I feel. I get called selfish and feel like an asshole for wanting to be with her. Even the sweetest thoughts and happiest visions in my head are tainted by this guilt and shame. That somehow I'm doing something wrong by falling for this girl. Like it's a punishment for someone to have me like them.

Then there are my friends...

If I seem edgy
I want you to know
I never meant to take it out on you
Life has its problems
and I get more than my share
but that's me one thing I never mean to do

When my friends have problems, I always listen to them and let them vent about whatever they need to. But when I'm upset, I shut down and get very introverted (moreso than usual). I become very myopic and self-centered. Only carying about myself, focusing on my pain. I have a select few friends in which I confide. And of the ones I trust the most, five of them I confide in more than others. But even with them it's never 100% because I'm afraid that they'll get tired of me and my problems. One of my confidantes is in a coma, one is job-hunting and trying to start up her own business, One is said crush from earlier and another just started school again and is a single mom. The remaining member of the illustrious five is Peggy who has a family to take care of and schooling of her own to worry about soon. As of late though she has set aside a lot of time to listen to me whine about needing my best friend back and my current bout of lovesickness. But a load that is usually spread among 5 incredibly patient, understanding and kind young women has been placed squarely on the shoulders of one. And I'm sorry. After an embarassingly pathetic salvo of IMs (when she wasn't even online) I decided to stop bugging her before my neediness drove her away. This didn't stop me from feeling bad though. It just led to shitty journal entries.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
-Nina Simone