akirali

The worst part about my depression is when I think that it's not as bad as I feel it is. That makes me feel dumb about being depressed. Like I don't have a right to. And then when people want to help, I don't want to take their advice or help. But then I turn around and feel alone and like no one cares. All they do is care about my issues, I wear them the fuck out. I can't blame people for not wanting to deal with my shit. I start to think I'm a virus that depresses, bores and infects everyone, so I go into seclusion and cut myself off from people. But that makes me feel even more alone. And I don't want to "talk to a professional" because if I can barely talk to people that I know care about me, then all I'd be doing with a doctor is wasting his or her time and my money. So I think that I can do it all on my own, because I don't like the idea that I should have to change so much. I like to think that I'm fine they way I am. Eccentric and unique sure, but not "broken" and thus, not in need of "fixing". It is a fragile and flawed fantasy, but one that I cling to for dear life. I hate the idea that I need help or need to change. It's childish, but true. I'd rather stay the way that I am and not have to make so many drastic changes in my life. When I'm thinking honestly and lucidly, I realize that my life will probably never change, probably because I either don't want it to, or I am afraid to let it. Or both.

"[S]ometimes, perhaps, one must change or die. And in the end, there were, perhaps, limits to how much he could let himself change."

I can't keep living like this, but I can't fathom changing myself so completely. So I guess I'll keep hiding in plain sight, crying at work, and doing God knows what to try and feel like I'm "normal", but knowing that I really won't be.