aisai

I cannot believe I am back on here so damn early this morning. I did not even go to bed until 2:30 in the morning.

Note to self: Do not drink high potiency coffee @ bedtime.

Danna just called on his way to work. He had a nightmare last night that I was still living my life like I did in the past. And we talked about it. And I remembered. I remembered! I remembered things that I did, said, were said to me, how I felt. How mad I got over situations that took place back then. I remembered faces and people that were there and even though they were only mildly involved in any of the situations. I remember.

I did not even realize that I was remembering these things and was spouting off like a fountain, until he said he had to go, and I told him not to spend the day dwelling on it. And he said not to worry because all is forgiven as he has stated before, and that I just gave him more information in the last two times we talked about it then I have been able to give in the last decade and half.

I am so proud of my self. I could just scream. I remembered.

I know some you must be thinking that I am some type of nut case, but oh, fucking well.

I must admitt that I did not remember everything, after all we are talking about 3 years lost. But I remember some pretty major information. This is way cool.

Do you want to know why I remember, I decided , all be it, some what unconsciencely to take responsiblity for my actions and stop living in a fog. I am tired of being questioned. For 14 years, I have been questioned and while there have been great strides made in those years, there have been some major set backs too. And I am not saying there will not be more set backs, but for now I remembered vital information. Information that may lead to all the questions being answered for once and all. Though remembering and him knowing the info he needs means that he will be thinking about this fresh information and deciphering it, de-coding it, and tearing it apart. He will ask even more questions and I may not be able to answer them.

Just like he asked me just before we got off the phone if there was anything more I could remember, any thing major. I told him he would have to ask me something specific, that I could not just pull info up out of the blue w/o a base from which to do so. That alone is significant. For a long time I have been trying to randomly pull up information I knew was stored in my brain, but because I was looking at the info I could remember to that point (which was not much), and had not taken the time to look at specifics (for my own reasons) I could not assertain anything more than what I had already given.

Today is gonna be a good day.

The funny thing is that in the past I would have spent the whole day worried about what he is thinking. How he is dealing with this, and what this meant for me.

Today I am thinking "Wow! I fucking remembered!"



edited to fix spelling errors. I remembered things from my past and forgot how to spell. Now thats funny. Ha!

I just started thinking that maybe some of this is due to being able to allow my self the opportunity to speak out. This is also very significant, as befre this year of 2004, the previous decade was spent being imprissonedby a tyranical person and have made great strides in my life to take control back.

Yeah, for me.