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aidan

Rifle, Colorado (yes the town is named after a fucking gun)

Member Since 2004

Followers 48 Following 54

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Monday Dec 28, 2009

Dec 28, 2009
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I think my last blog may have been a bit misleading. It sounded like one of those break-up blogs, and yes, I was kinda dating the girl pictured for awhile a few years ago, but that eventually turned into one of the best friendships I ever had. We used to do everything together, and always had a blast doing it, even if we were just sitting in an empty room. All we needed was the entertainment of eachother, which seemed to come so easily for us, so I think that's why we bonded so well. We had all these stupid little things we would do that would get us laughing so hard that we couldn't breathe. No matter what, we were extremely happy when we were together. I don't think I had ever been so happy before. I think she may have been the one person who ever truly understood me, and was never bothered by my odd personality traits, which was probably why I took such comfort in her. Unfortunately, we drifted apart when my angry ex moved into my apartment, and pretty much took over everything, but that is not something I care to talk about.

We were apart for a couple years at least. A lot had happened within that time. One day I decided to just say hi via text message, which turned into hundreds of texts. After that, it became a pretty regular thing. I explained my living situation and why I drifted away, letting her know it wasn't her fault, because I think she may have felt that way. I would try to get her to come out every once in awhile, but she became very antisocial, and I wasn't sure why, until one night she did come out, and I found out she had cancer. We didn't talk about it much, but she said it was getting better and that she would be just fine, so we hung out as though we had never separated. Laughing at all the dumb stuff like we used to, as I drank a rum and coke, and she a Miller Lite, as always. She loved that Miller Lite, but it had to be in a bottle. Never a can, because your mouth had to touch the outside of it, and that's gross, and she didn't like drinking it on tap unless it was in a plastic cup that no one had ever used. Anyway, after hanging out that night, we still kept in contact. Last month, I hadn't really heard from her much, so one day I said hi via text again, but never got a response. Later that night, I found out that she had gone to California with her doctor for treatment, but died in her hotel room before she ever even made it to wherever she was being treated. I cried for hours. Never got any sleep that night. About a week later, some of her friends threw a little memorial thing at a bar that she liked to hang out at, and they had a slideshow of pictures of her on the tv, and I broke down when I kept seeing ones that I took, as I recalled the memories from those nights. We have so many pictures together. Hundreds. I thought I'd post a few:


I believe we were at The Brick in KC watching one of her friend's band this night.


I suppose I'm forgiven for pulling on her tie. Or maybe I was being thanked. Wha?


The Flo Show! Oh, gay bars.


Kisses on the cheek from Brad and I at Herschel's birthday. Any girl should feel amazingly special for that! Muahaha!


Ok now it's just me. Don't feel bad for Brad. He likes the abuse. Trust me.


Yeah! Suck it, bitch!


Post-party cuteness. Aww.


And again.


She was using me as a guitar and playing rad tunes for hobos. I'm an awesome guitar.


We thought it would be fun to be so totally goth and take pictures in the graveyard one December night. Strangely, the background came out red in all of the pictures. Creeeepyyyy.


See? Weird.


I don't remember where this was. Possibly Davey's Uptown, but we're fucking cute, dammit.


Insane at the Replay!


A bit less insane, but still at the Replay


Ok now we're just cute again, and STILL at the Replay.


I think this time we were hanging out at the Newsroom in KC.


And again.


Haha I'm totally in the dressing room at a strip club. Apparently very few men have entered this room.


I took this picture because I thought she looked cute, and she totally hates cats. Haha.

I guess that was more than a few pics...


Whiny post alert! Lots on my mind. Felt like getting it out.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I'm starting to realize that I have several personality traits that will forever kill any relationship I try to have. I used to think it was my angry ex/former roommate driving them away, but now that I live alone, I realize it's me (mostly). I guess I never really noticed it before, given my previous chaotic living situation, but I don't think I can really change anything about my personality, as much as I try. It sucks, because I have been seeing someone who is amazing in so many ways, but I fear she will be going away soon because I can't make her happy. I try oh so much, but no matter what, I don't think I can live up to her ex, who is probably Kansas City's biggest douche, but apparently a better boyfriend than I could ever be, which seems to be the case with every person I date. Coincidence? I think not.

I guess I'm probably just too nice. Not like, pushover-nice, but I'm always just... nice. I can't stand doing/saying anything that might make the person I'm with feel bad. (that sentence is poorly constructed. Gah.) Yeah, people like niceness, but I think if you're nice all the time, it loses its meaning. I also don't talk enough. I was probably the only kid in the grocery store who didn't get in trouble for screaming, as I was just so quiet. Always have been, and still am now. I think my main relationship-killer is the fact that I don't express a lot of emotion. I feel everything, but I just can't seem to express it as much as I should, so therefore I come across very cold, like I don't care, and it drives me absolutely insane because it's always the person I care about the most who notices this, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world when this person thinks I don't care. I'm very calm, even in situations where most people would be freaking out. I guess I've just always handled things better when I stay calm.

zombienik_o:
those pictures of the two of you together are adorable. nn.xx
Dec 28, 2009

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