ahriman

Warning: The entirety of the post contains self indulgent rambling. Reader discretion is advised.

I sometimes feel I don't really belong in social situations. I never know what to say to people. If I'm talking to a pretty girl, I feel like they feel I'm trying to hit on them(when in most cases, I'm not) and then I stop talking. When I do talk, things come out of my mouth that I don't mean to say, at least not the way I mean it.

I think I insulted someone's singing voice while trying to give them a compliment. I'm incredibley self concious around large groups of people, most of the time I just sit there. I don't know what to say in a conversation with six people at once, so I just smile. And I think people invariably think I'm either "the creepy smiling dude", or "a really nice guy with nothing to say"

I'm much better with people in one on one situations when I know them; but I realize that that statement is not excatly condusive to making friends with anyone.

I've stopped drinking, because of my meds and because I really don't like the feeling of intoxication anymore.

I feel like an outsider wherever I go, even with people I'm supposed to have been friends with for years. I really for the most part don't think people miss me when I'm gone. I don't say that to try and gain sympathy or anything, I just really think it's true. It's not even that people hate me. They just don't care

And I mean, why should they? It's not like I'm capable of opening up to people. So they try a couple of times, I smile and nod, and then am forgotton.

I sometimes think I should just forgo social activity altogether. I think sometimes I should be a hermit writer; At least in the worlds I create, I can find the right words to express what it is I wish to say.

What I wish is that I could escape my own head; become oblivous as to who and what I am. No truer statement has been spoken besides that "In ignorance lies bliss". My supposed self awareness haunts the fuck out of me.