This is the overview of who I am.My story. pt1
To thy dearest darlings,words have been lost these last few days,manythings have come and past though this weakened mind.Far from home yet alone I sit upon my own lifestyle.I taste moisture and sweat from the trees.I feel the warmth and the rain as it stabs and rips my body and energy apart.I am lost here in time.I feel it in my heart,mind,spirit,and bones.
For long ago I was created with hatred.I was tempted with cruelty and abuse.I was to be damned and to become that of impurity.Long ago I was set into play as a damned child,a abortion escapee.I was only desired as dirt.But those thoughts warped me twisted me.Created a beast,a horrid little child who was fueled with anger,fueled with the desire to see other humans suffer.Yes it's quite true that I once was the fallen.I once walked the earth for pain,torture,and suffering.Long ago I was that beast.So long ago........
Unwanted by a drunken mother,abandoned by a coward father,disowned by family and thrown away as trash.I grew up under these verses.As a childe I was lost,I was a dream.I knew not the motive of my life,never knew what it was to be a child.I never lived as a human.But a stain,a irritation upon my mothers' will.I had one brother that was it,I knew him vaguely,see we had different fathers.We lived different lives separated by 8 years.He lived with his father and I with my mother.We were given the same last names "Barfield" his fathers crede so we would never be divided and we would grow as one,as brothers.Chad C. Barfield he was able to escape my mother's wraith long befoe my time,he was saved at the age of 2.He never knew the horrors,he never felt that pain,he was only denied sanctioned and he grew strong and resented my mother.We were so close when we were younger,he was my older brother,my best friend,my protector.He defended me and watched after me.We lived together for a few years but after he joined the army he forgot me.He left me to fend for myself,I lived without that sole role model,without my savior,my Chad.As he went on with his life I live in mine.
For my mother was horrid,and sick.She was a drunkard,loving the bottle more that her sons sanctioned innocence,but rather the taste of cheap vodka and men.She made sure that I was cared for,locked in my room to a world created from my mind.Hell I suppose but then when I try to remember it,it's all black.I know so many days I lived alone with her,being fed abuse,horrid abuse.Her bottles called day and night and her hurt,her anger opened up nad embraced my weak body.I remember it all to well each episode of her hatred and cruelty.So many nights,so many cold nights I felt the cold hands of booze.She drank quite bad.Bottle and bottles of vodka a night.She would grow angry and come to my room,my own sanctuary,and rip me apart.To putm e down with cold words,and the worst of all the beatings,oh the beatings.See I was a rather "small"child.And she well was big and strong.Easily overpowering me.Beatings were so bad.She would go for long periods of time hitting me,slapping me,overpowering me and fighting with me.She was brutal,she would beat me daily at any time.As I slept she'd attempt my murder,pillow over the face,beatings with computer cords,belts,and fist.Bruised,and blood I would lay alone.I had no way of defense only to learn to quit moving,to be silent,to endure it.I began to get used to it,no more screams,no more crying only silence.
For so many years I endured this,abuse.I endured it well and my body lays scarred from it.She has attempted to kill me 7 times,shes stabbed me,smothered me,chicked me and so forth.I now am tolerant of pain.I have a addiction to it for I have to have daily reminders that I am human and alive.I use sadistic means forth but it's only a trait shes given me.But sadly thats not the horrid part only a sketch.See many things I would love to say,and explain but the most cruel based action that I endured was being sexual abused for 5 years,to be sexual abused under her roof by her lover and another friend.Yes her crowd,he "buddies" they were the rough crowd.Bar jumpers and the typical druggies.She was a rough person anyways so when her friends found me irritatign they would abuse me as well.Now think a six year old child,time out to be exact ,"go in the corner for some,to your room for others.Well For me there was one punishment I had,which was to go to the bathroom with one person.Now think ahead to that,being lead into a small room with a grow man.Who would overpwer the will and break virtue.Think on the typical child and how one tends to get into trouble,fast forward and view my punishment for such acts.I t was kept hidden for so long,I spoke no on it,for as I was use to the abuse I began to grow numb from this as well.So many tears,so much blood shed during these times.
But the day I was found,the day he was caught was so long after it started,my mother walked in on the horrid act and instead of frekaing out she walked away and did nothing.As he left the room my mother simply beat me for the act suppressing that it was my fault and how I attempted to ruin their relationship.After that I stepped out and told the world.He was arrested,she lost rights to me and I lived with my brothers father.This all happened at the ages from 6 to 10.
My father was a great man he reformed me and lead me to be tame and right.He gave me a life back and gave me the morals I have today,the honro at heart and mind.But he did not accept me for my lifestyle and beleifs but resentedthat part of me.Now I stayed with him until I was 11 he kicked me out when he found out I had cut myself.So back to my mothrs I went.From there I attempted suicide,cutting,over-dosing,running into driving cars,drinking bleach a few things went up.Ha.I was dark but I started to change...............will finnish the rest tomorrow
To thy dearest darlings,words have been lost these last few days,manythings have come and past though this weakened mind.Far from home yet alone I sit upon my own lifestyle.I taste moisture and sweat from the trees.I feel the warmth and the rain as it stabs and rips my body and energy apart.I am lost here in time.I feel it in my heart,mind,spirit,and bones.
For long ago I was created with hatred.I was tempted with cruelty and abuse.I was to be damned and to become that of impurity.Long ago I was set into play as a damned child,a abortion escapee.I was only desired as dirt.But those thoughts warped me twisted me.Created a beast,a horrid little child who was fueled with anger,fueled with the desire to see other humans suffer.Yes it's quite true that I once was the fallen.I once walked the earth for pain,torture,and suffering.Long ago I was that beast.So long ago........
Unwanted by a drunken mother,abandoned by a coward father,disowned by family and thrown away as trash.I grew up under these verses.As a childe I was lost,I was a dream.I knew not the motive of my life,never knew what it was to be a child.I never lived as a human.But a stain,a irritation upon my mothers' will.I had one brother that was it,I knew him vaguely,see we had different fathers.We lived different lives separated by 8 years.He lived with his father and I with my mother.We were given the same last names "Barfield" his fathers crede so we would never be divided and we would grow as one,as brothers.Chad C. Barfield he was able to escape my mother's wraith long befoe my time,he was saved at the age of 2.He never knew the horrors,he never felt that pain,he was only denied sanctioned and he grew strong and resented my mother.We were so close when we were younger,he was my older brother,my best friend,my protector.He defended me and watched after me.We lived together for a few years but after he joined the army he forgot me.He left me to fend for myself,I lived without that sole role model,without my savior,my Chad.As he went on with his life I live in mine.
For my mother was horrid,and sick.She was a drunkard,loving the bottle more that her sons sanctioned innocence,but rather the taste of cheap vodka and men.She made sure that I was cared for,locked in my room to a world created from my mind.Hell I suppose but then when I try to remember it,it's all black.I know so many days I lived alone with her,being fed abuse,horrid abuse.Her bottles called day and night and her hurt,her anger opened up nad embraced my weak body.I remember it all to well each episode of her hatred and cruelty.So many nights,so many cold nights I felt the cold hands of booze.She drank quite bad.Bottle and bottles of vodka a night.She would grow angry and come to my room,my own sanctuary,and rip me apart.To putm e down with cold words,and the worst of all the beatings,oh the beatings.See I was a rather "small"child.And she well was big and strong.Easily overpowering me.Beatings were so bad.She would go for long periods of time hitting me,slapping me,overpowering me and fighting with me.She was brutal,she would beat me daily at any time.As I slept she'd attempt my murder,pillow over the face,beatings with computer cords,belts,and fist.Bruised,and blood I would lay alone.I had no way of defense only to learn to quit moving,to be silent,to endure it.I began to get used to it,no more screams,no more crying only silence.
For so many years I endured this,abuse.I endured it well and my body lays scarred from it.She has attempted to kill me 7 times,shes stabbed me,smothered me,chicked me and so forth.I now am tolerant of pain.I have a addiction to it for I have to have daily reminders that I am human and alive.I use sadistic means forth but it's only a trait shes given me.But sadly thats not the horrid part only a sketch.See many things I would love to say,and explain but the most cruel based action that I endured was being sexual abused for 5 years,to be sexual abused under her roof by her lover and another friend.Yes her crowd,he "buddies" they were the rough crowd.Bar jumpers and the typical druggies.She was a rough person anyways so when her friends found me irritatign they would abuse me as well.Now think a six year old child,time out to be exact ,"go in the corner for some,to your room for others.Well For me there was one punishment I had,which was to go to the bathroom with one person.Now think ahead to that,being lead into a small room with a grow man.Who would overpwer the will and break virtue.Think on the typical child and how one tends to get into trouble,fast forward and view my punishment for such acts.I t was kept hidden for so long,I spoke no on it,for as I was use to the abuse I began to grow numb from this as well.So many tears,so much blood shed during these times.
But the day I was found,the day he was caught was so long after it started,my mother walked in on the horrid act and instead of frekaing out she walked away and did nothing.As he left the room my mother simply beat me for the act suppressing that it was my fault and how I attempted to ruin their relationship.After that I stepped out and told the world.He was arrested,she lost rights to me and I lived with my brothers father.This all happened at the ages from 6 to 10.
My father was a great man he reformed me and lead me to be tame and right.He gave me a life back and gave me the morals I have today,the honro at heart and mind.But he did not accept me for my lifestyle and beleifs but resentedthat part of me.Now I stayed with him until I was 11 he kicked me out when he found out I had cut myself.So back to my mothrs I went.From there I attempted suicide,cutting,over-dosing,running into driving cars,drinking bleach a few things went up.Ha.I was dark but I started to change...............will finnish the rest tomorrow
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
andrealaz:
thanks a lot! 
preciouspayne:
