aglaya

Y'know, it's been a few months since Brian broke up with me, and I've gone out with a couple guys since, and I'm mostly ok. But sometimes I still just miss him so much. I remember how funny and smart and sweet he could be. I know it doesn't do me any good, and the breakup made me realize some really awful things about him, but... there's a wonderful person he hides away from the world, I knew him for years before I saw it. It just makes me sad that I'll never get to see that person again because he doesn't want me to.
It's been a rough day. I dunno if I'm hormonal, or it's the moving, or stress, or something else, or some combination, but I've been weepy all day. The first thing I did was go through all my old photographs and throw out all the pictures that were blurry or out of focus or of nothing or of people whose names I didn't know, basically anything that I couldn't look at and say "I remember taking that picture," or something like that. But even if they're things you don't remember anymore, it's hard to throw away memories. Plus, I inherited my mom's need to hang on to things. Everything has a sentimental value, and you can't get rid of it, because some day you'll want to see it and remember. I can't live that way anymore. It hasn't gotten too out of hand for me yet, and I need to stop it now, and I'm doing really well. It's just hard. It's hard to say no, I'm never going to need this, if I keep it, I'll just shove it in a box and forget about it again. It's hard to part with peices of the past.
I'm also really struggling about what to do with Brian-related stuff. It was definitely the best relationship I ever had, and someday I might be able and want to look back fondly on it. So I don't want to purge myself of all signs of him. On the other hand, even when I'm not having a day like this, I can't look at these things without getting upset. There are things I can't throw away. After his father died, he gave me a goofy looking pink bunny he found when he was cleaning out the house. It had meaning to him, and he gave it to me. I can't throw that away. I can't give it back to him. I don't know if I want to keep it.
I woke up so happy this morning.