I need someone's perspective. I might have been wrong to write these things, but fuck it. I'm done with this girl. She dumped me after months of abusing me psychologically, criticising me for things I had no control over (for example: being born in a middle class family), and even things as basic as my refusal to believe in a higher power. Yeah... being an atheist is a deal-breaker in a relationship, isn't it?
Still, what is this girl's deal? I don't understand her, and I sure as hell don't understand what her motivation was to even write me this lame-duck apology she started with. I can't deal with her bullshit, and my suicidal friend at the same time. That's too much, universe. Too fucking much, too soon.
Jane (name changed for anonymity):
"I don't know if you are still having the same number. I just wanted to apologize for everything! I am sorry. I was wrong and I was so damaged inside and I know it hurt you. It was not fair and I just realized that because I want to become a better person. I don't know what got over me. I just thought about you and how I behaved. There is no excuses. I just hope you are well and healthy."
Me:
I must apologize for my bluntness--I have a friend now who is openly suicidal. I am worried, and stressed about my coming exams.
To be honest, when I read this, I didn't even know what to make of it. I still don't, to be honest. I have been trying to forget about you, and all the bullshit you put me through; everything you blamed, guilted, or shamed me for... Unfortunately, I never forget someone I loved. You still haunt my thoughts from day to day...
So, my question(s), hypothetical though they may be: what are you hoping to accomplish with a simple text apology? You want me to tell you I forgive you, and everything is okay now? I can say the words if that gives you any peace of mind, but I sure as hell won't mean them.
Happy Holidays
Jane
Hey Denis, I am glad you have someone right now and you are happy. I don't expect anything from you nor do I want you to forgive me. It is your choice and your free will. I just wanted to apologize that is all. I wanted to let you know that, that fact that I reflected on it and was ashamed of how I behaved. I hope you are well and Happy Holidays. p.s. if you were wondering that I got in touch with you to get back together, it is a wrong assumption. I long ago moved on and working on myself. You never understood the side of me that always searched for something ethereal and spiritual. I won't say I found it but I am content and happy. I just wanted to make peace with you.
Me
You're a long ways away from making peace with me. A text apology just isn't good enough. P.S. even if you wanted me back, you couldn't have me.
Jane
Its silly to talk about do I want you back or don't Denis. Talking to you right now and seen how you are still angry at me makes me realize that I've made a right decision. I just wished I was not so destructive in how I did it. Anyways I won't bother you anymore and wll delete your number. I've made my peace with you, if you haven't that is your choice. Goodbye and stay well
Me:
I think you misunderstood the difference between my anger, and the karma system you seemed so into long ago. I'm done being angry. I have been for a long time. But you have a long way to go before I can even think about forgiving what you put me through. Lots of bad karma there...
The best you can hope for with your attitude now, is my scornful indifference. I hope you are a significantly less shitty partner for the next poor idiot who dates you.
A last word before we part. If you really were apologetic, you would be agreeing with me, and saying I am right. Not defending yourself like you are now. You very often accused me of the same behavior. Hypocrite
Jane:
Denis I am not assuming you of anything and I am not defending myself. I was wrong! Very wrong and very damaged. Issues I did not know I had. A lot to do with pass abuse. You are much luckier you grown up in a loving family. I haven't and I did not know how to love right. I loved you Denis, truly with all my heart but I hated myself and I knew I could never give you that love unless I work on myself first. Besides when we broke up I said that. I said give me space and growth. I have a lot I need to figure out for myself and maybe someday along the future we may get together when we both mature and grown and ready. I don't think that will happen now. But I had hopes when I broke up with you. I won't say I have changed and better blah blah I just acknowledged my flows and my faults and I want to work on them because they are hurting me and people around me. People I love. I realize that and I felt guilty that I hurt a person I loved. That is why I wanted to apologize. I wanted you to know that. Because deep inside I still care for you and will care for you always.
Me:
I guess it's good you "won't say you've changed..." Because you haven't. This is all basically a carbon copy of our last breakup with an "oh but I am sorry." I loved you, and you were (still are) too self absorbed to figure out how to make our relationship, or even a friendship work.
All the best, I hope you are able to realize the personal growth you've striven for all this time. Perhaps you need some sort of guidance--maybe therapy.
--------------------------------------
Was I too harsh? I may have been, but I think I am at least right in that a simple texted apology for abuse over a period of months up to and after our break-up isn't going to cut the mustard.