So, friends.. Let's have a little heart to heart. Shall we?
Commence!
I have been in one too many go no-where relationships. They make me sad. They make me feel like giving up. They make me want to fuck every man and woman that I come in contact with for some form of affection. Just because I might want to, I never do this. i am such a fuckin prude it is rediculous.
I instead, seek the conversation and company of men that will never be what I want. They will never be that great idea. They will never make me feel the way I want to feel. I have "fillers". That is what all these men are .Fillers. Fucking A. I obtain these men simply because I can. I want nothing with them other than to fill this tiny void that I could very well just ignore.
So I persue men, and then I end up hating them for not being what I need/want, when in all actuality I knew it all along. I tell them this. They think it will end up different. It won't. It will never be different because I won't let it be. I expect the failure. I welcome it with open arms. I write about it, reflect on it, and move on.
Why did I come to realize this shit? I will tell you.
A friend of mine. A very close and amazing friend of mine has tried persuing a relationship with me. I thought it over and said we could give it a go. It ate me up so much that I even accepted this. I knew that I would just ruin everything. i knew it wouldn't work because I would not let it, and in the end, only he would be hurt. He is too amazing for that. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves to be treated nicely and to be loved for the amazing guy he is. I could not do that for him. I let him know. He still is one of my best friends, but to think I almost fucked that up?!
And now Dave. I love bubby. I really really do. He makes everything seem better. Even just seeing him from 10 feet away, I know that in 60 seconds or less he will be right next to me telling me how great he feels when he is with me, or how good the food is, or how he wants to go home with me and watch movies. it makes me feel so great when he does shit like that. I think him and I would really work. I always go back to what had happened with us before though. I swore I let it go, and most of me has.. but it's just that little part. I think being on here makes it a little worse because I have to see the girl he fucked. I have to look at her face. I don't talk with her.. I won't... but fuck. I wish she would just go away. Doesn't seem likely though.
I try to think about what she has, that I , at the time.. did not.
I can't think of anything except an open mouth to insert stuff into.
He says it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he is a complete dick for doing that to me. The whole.. I will never do it again, I promise, I am so sorry deal. I let it die.. kind of. It's my little person under the stairs that comes out from time to time when I am feeling vulnerable. I want it to go away. I don't need that shit anymore. I want to make this work.
It isn't just relationships that get me aggrivated. It's really just people in general. It is our annoying sense of timing that really chaps my hide so to speak.
INSTANCE: Dave and I agreed we would work on things.. for real..
6 hours later, I am taking jack for a walk, and this dude.. on a longboard is taking his dog for a stroll at the same time. Our dogs manage to molest eachother.. and he and I are standing there, kind of akward. Did I mention he is insanely hot yet? Well, he is..
Anyhow, after they are done sniffing nuts, I manage to pull Jack away and as I start walking he says "I wish you wouldn't walk away so quickly".. I said I was sorry.. he says "well, let's go have dinner to make up for it"... I told him I couldn't.. and he said "I wish you wouldn't say that.".. I told him thank you, but no thank you.. and he says "I'll make you a mixtape first then?"...FUCK.
Not like it would have worked out anyhow.. but still. W H Y?
I am doing a friends cut. I will seriously only keep you if you message/comment telling me you want to stay.. I am putting this here, so I know you have to read it.. ha! Sneaky!
I think I am going to sit out on the yard sale as I have not gone through all my things yet.. maybe next weekend. I am just too fuckin tired to do anything overly productive like that. Plus, I am lazy.
Oh, I left FNLHC. It just didn't seem the place for me anymore. I feel bad about it since there are so many amazing people there, and a few lame ones.. but still.. I couldn't see being in there when I don't fit. Big star in a room full of squares.. It didn't make much sense anymore. However, I hope the amazing people I have met and come to know still keep in contact.. I don't want to lose them because I have simply outgrown everything else.. Is that selfish of me?
Times, they are a changing.. I am changing. I am no butterfly, I am no wildflower. I am simply human.. I am simply a person with a roaming heart.. looking for a place to call home..
I might move to Vermont with Ian and G. Those are two people that make me happy just by the thought of them. I know they care, I hope they know I care too.. I really do. I am so thankful for you guys.
