CHRIST! I was writing an entry and I was almost done and then I accidentally put the computer into sleep mode. SHIT!
FUCK! I am an angry white ball of THANATOS and rage and venom.
GOD I do not want to rewrite everything. The gist is this. I want to be calm and peaceful and content with myself and the world but this damn uncertainty between me and her has made me into an angry little person. There's no way I can recreate what I wrote. It was too perfect. This is just going to be a pale facsimile.
She takes everything I say that's supposed to be serious as a joke and everything that's supposed to be a joke seriously. And there's nothing I can say that will make her SEE WHO I AM. The only thing she sees of me is a projection of what she wants. She does not see the real me. How do you make someone see something if they're unwilling to be open to it?
I soooo so so sooo so soooo just want to to make amends and not feel all of this rage, but she won't see. She's too stuck in her ways and ideas, like she readily admits. We're both stuck in places.
I think a friendship can be salvaged and I still think good times can be had if she were only open to listen. TO ACTUALLY LISTEN. and set things ASIDE. We DON'T NEED IT. Why hold on to all of this baggage? all of this weight? all of this anger?? If she's going to be angry with anyone, it should be with herself. What did I ever do that was purposefully malicious. I gave her so much. so so much. material and immaterial. All I ever tried to do was make her happy.
I'm weary. I'm tired. I want to let things go and make things okay. I'm tired of this. I want to put things away and make everything all right. What's so hard about that.
I guess it doesn't help that I'm making a Best Of NIN mixed cd for Marc. It's hard to listen to them and NOT feel angsty.
Until she finally starts to take everything that I say that's supposed to be sincere seriously and everything that's supposed to be a joke lightly, I don't see much progression.
I'm tired. I want things to be okay. but it's probably hopeless.
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I feel a little better now. Who knows what will happen. -sigh-
Soon I'll be off to spar and I'm hoping to expel some frustrations by kicking someone's face in. heh. It's all in good fun, though, and I often get my ass whooped as well.
FUCK! I am an angry white ball of THANATOS and rage and venom.
GOD I do not want to rewrite everything. The gist is this. I want to be calm and peaceful and content with myself and the world but this damn uncertainty between me and her has made me into an angry little person. There's no way I can recreate what I wrote. It was too perfect. This is just going to be a pale facsimile.
She takes everything I say that's supposed to be serious as a joke and everything that's supposed to be a joke seriously. And there's nothing I can say that will make her SEE WHO I AM. The only thing she sees of me is a projection of what she wants. She does not see the real me. How do you make someone see something if they're unwilling to be open to it?
I soooo so so sooo so soooo just want to to make amends and not feel all of this rage, but she won't see. She's too stuck in her ways and ideas, like she readily admits. We're both stuck in places.
I think a friendship can be salvaged and I still think good times can be had if she were only open to listen. TO ACTUALLY LISTEN. and set things ASIDE. We DON'T NEED IT. Why hold on to all of this baggage? all of this weight? all of this anger?? If she's going to be angry with anyone, it should be with herself. What did I ever do that was purposefully malicious. I gave her so much. so so much. material and immaterial. All I ever tried to do was make her happy.
I'm weary. I'm tired. I want to let things go and make things okay. I'm tired of this. I want to put things away and make everything all right. What's so hard about that.
I guess it doesn't help that I'm making a Best Of NIN mixed cd for Marc. It's hard to listen to them and NOT feel angsty.
Until she finally starts to take everything that I say that's supposed to be sincere seriously and everything that's supposed to be a joke lightly, I don't see much progression.
I'm tired. I want things to be okay. but it's probably hopeless.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel a little better now. Who knows what will happen. -sigh-
Soon I'll be off to spar and I'm hoping to expel some frustrations by kicking someone's face in. heh. It's all in good fun, though, and I often get my ass whooped as well.