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affy

Chicago Area

Member Since 2006

Followers 47 Following 65

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Sunday Jan 20, 2008

Jan 20, 2008
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Rant. You've been warned.



I hate feeling alienated. Unfortunately it's not something that will go away. I am trying my best to stay positive and avoid things that aggravate me, but ideally I need space. I need to be closer to my boyfriend. I wish I had job experience outside of retail and dog related things, because I want nothing to do with either. I am passively looking for a new job, because while this one pays the rent (barely), I am not a dog fan and would be happy if I never saw another dog (outside of my own) for the rest of my life.

I'm just so confused. About everything. I don't know who my good friends are anymore, I don't know where I will be living a few months from now. I don't know what spec to stick with on my priest. I don't know how to get job experience doing office type things, when I have no money for college courses and my last 2 years of work experience only have to do with dogs or dildo's. Doesn't make for a great resume. I don't understand where people come off being upset at my work schedule, when the only time they wanted me around was when they could use me to benefit themselves.


I'm tired of people telling me that it's "only 2 bucks to take the bus! You have to have 2 dollars!" when they find out I walk to and from work most days. No, I can't afford 2 dollars. You don't get it. A box of macaroni and cheese is pricey to me. I couldn't even afford to get the person who bought me a plane ticket to california a thank you gift. I could barely afford the card I bought her. At work, I jokingly get made fun of for wearing the same sweatshirt everyday. I don't have another sweatshirt. Grey hoodie everyday it is! Affording winter clothes won't happen. By the time I would have the money for that I won't be living somewhere with normal winters. I'm limiting myself on how much shampoo I use because I can't get more for a while.

I feel like I am following down my mothers footsteps. You know when they tell you as you grow up, "You will see how we're alike when you get older, just wait and see." and shit like that? And you never believe it. You don't even believe you resemble them. Well it hit me. Bigtime. First I realized I am the spitting image of my mom. Scary enough. Then as I think about my life since being 17, and how it has been a constant financial struggle, and having to keep moving from place to place and pawning stuff just to get by, I realize I am already following her footsteps. And not by choice, for either of us. Can't afford anymore higher education, can't afford to get on top of things. Can't afford to take classes to get the jobs that will get things back on track. Is that all I have to look forward to? 50 years of wondering how I will feed myself and pay the bills? Wondering where I will live in a year? I don't want to continue not being able to afford healthcare I so desperately need, I want to be able to buy my dog her own food rather than getting leftovers from work for her. I want my own place with windows and a bathtub and no more bad credit. I want college, and I want a job where I am respected. If things going as they are, I just don't see that in my future.

My future. MY future. Why don't I feel like I have any control over that?
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
xfinitex:
I'm sorry things are so out of control. My sister lives in Chicago, and I know how insane it is to get around there. Drop me a line. We should talk more often.
In any case, cheer up lady.
Jan 21, 2008
xerxes:
Hang in there sweetie, I'm sure things will get better.

kiss
Jan 21, 2008

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