affy

I've been thinking for a long time where I feel I would be the happiest, location-wise. I feel like since my family moved to Crete I felt lost. Like something big was missing. I still haven't figured out what that is, although I have felt like moving more than once would fix it. Although now I find that it is still missing. I've been torturing myself over where I think my home is. I feel like, or at least felt like if I find my home, I will find that missing piece

As I sat midair on the plane to here, I thought about this. I just kept thinking to myself, 'get me off this damn ground. Just get off the ground. Everything will be better when I am in the air'. I don't recall thinking this on previous flights, although I do remember always staring at the ground below us like a hawk, waiting for that instant where you know you're airborne, and then suddenly feeling this weight lifted. I thought about this for a long time.

I can't believe I kept debating where I should be. Arizona or Illinois, when the answer is: neither/either. Illinois has been where I have lived since I can remember. Where I grew up, made friends (sort of), and made memories. I feel like if I were to move back all of this would be mine again, when in fact, almost none of it is there anymore. My friends are hardly that, my family is in shambles, and any of the memories I have made are all tainted with hate or something of the like. The only thing I feel compassion towards there is Chicago. The city gives me the same feeling as being on a plane in the sky does. Completely free, like I have the whole world ahead of me, and its all for the taking. It's a great feeling. And while I thought Arizona was just full of all these horrible things, I'm starting to feel a little partial to it. I have MY home, our apartment. A place I can call my own. Somewhere that reflects my personality and interests. On top of it, I have a job that makes me laugh, even amidst all the bullshit and drama that goes on there. But the best thing is being able to wake up to John everyday. That first kiss in the morning is always the best. And when I look into his eyes I know that he loves me, and I've never looked into someone's eyes and seen that before. It's like that feeling when you kiss someone you like for the very first time, but every time it feels just like that. And while sometimes things aren't as good as they could be; I wouldn't trade him for the world. I don't think I would be okay with myself if I moved to Illinois without him. Or anywhere for that matter.

So this is my conclusion: My home is wherever my feet are. Right now, terminal 41 of the Denver Airport is my home. That's just what makes the most sense to me. And when people ask me where I'm flying to, it's always going to be home, I like it that way.

Infinity is looking into your own eyes in a mirror while on LSD.

My uncle's wedding was interesting. It consisted of half the family telling me what I should be doing with my life, and the other half trying to explain to me why they always refuse to shake the governors hand. I tried to avoid getting into an argument most of the night. On the way home I was convinced I was going to die, my grandfather has officially turned into one of those senile old-person drivers. What a shame. By the end of the night at least half of the family told me they "expect" me to be the next one getting married. This is about the point I remembered why I felt the urge to move, and why I don't feel like coming back anytime soon.

Everything feels weird here. I find myself craving to get back to Arizona so I can feel comfortable again. I don't know anyone anymore. And it's not so much because I've been gone for a few months, everyone just changed so rapidly. I can't even begin to understand who they are anymore. I am very happy I decided not to move back here, I wouldn't have the life I wanted back again. Thursday isn't so far away, just a few more days and everything will be back to normal.

Yesterday night I explored the abandoned Steel Coke Plant in Chicago, it was fantastic. I saw so much more than I did last time I was there. I also modeled some t-shirts for a friend of a friend who makes them on a wrecking ball crane; I'm still waiting to see how they turned out though. (Ill post them when I get them.)

It has been raining for a long time. It feels right, I guess. There are very few things that make me feel ridiculously good, and walking around drenched in rain is one of them.

This vacation has generally been a drag. It seems like the only good thing to come out of it is the realization that I don't belong here. For some reason I was under the impression that my "friends" actually wanted to see me, with all the begging me to come back and the "I miss you's" every fucking day. What a waste. Should this have been obvious to me before?

What happened to everyone? Why does it feel like I am the only one maturing? Not worth lingering on I suppose.

My feet may be here, but this just isn't homeanymore.