affy

A few weeks ago someone told me that if I put too much hope into something, and it doesnt turn out to be exactly what I dreamed of, its going to be really easy to be let down. This is basically what happened, so I tried realizing everything isnt the dream I hoped it was going to be, but now I feel even worse.

I honestly thought I was alone before. I really thought there was no one in the midwest I could go to, nowhere I was happy. I was so wrong! For the first time in my life I have completely seperated myself from everything I knew since I was born, basically. Ive never been so cut off from where Ive lived my whole life. Now that I am 2000 miles away Im realizing this is where I am most alone. I literally have no friends here I could call when I need some good friend treatment, I dont have a place I could drive and just park and relax when I need to be alone, I cant even call my mom and tell her whats going on. I moved partially so she would have less stress and wouldnt have to worry about me, I dont want her to think Im miserable. Its killing me to tell her everytime she calls that "everything is great" although I probably was crying not an hour beforehand.

I didnt think I was going to miss very many people once I moved. I really took for granted so many people, even if I only saw them once a year. There are alot of people I wish I got to hang out with more, people who are always there for me here in internet land that were never more than a half hour drive away. God I miss you guys.

I looked at pictures I took about a year ago, wishing I could just go back to then. Before Valpo, before all this stress and everything. I looked so happy! Even the pictures from Valpo, Ive NEVER seen pictures of me smiling like that, its unbelievable. I would probably just end up in the same place if I went back in time though. I know how I think, nothing would change.

I dont really know what to do. Im not leaving here, I got a job I will enjoy, and if anything, at least I have that much.