affy

I miss the feeling of my breath being taken away
I miss waking up knowing Im just a short drive away from a beach, the best city in the world (that Ive seen), or a place for milkshakes.
I miss having my animals that always cheer me up, even when they piss me off.
I miss igloos, and snowmen, and having ice fights that could wind us in the hospital.
I miss trespassing.
I miss walking down the street saying hi to everyone I pass, sometimes even hugging them, just to make someone a little bit happier.
I miss that huge ferris wheel, that made me feel so insignificant, but so free at the same time.
I miss being able to be myself, and have other people enjoy me while doing so, and not get reprimanded for it.
I miss getting so involved in my soccer games, that nothing else existed, and even the pain was something I enjoyed.
I miss the House of Blues, the Metro, hell, I even miss that shitty venue where Ive never seen a good act in Mokena.
I miss hating the people I lived with, because at least then I felt something.
I miss Valparaiso University. (Wait, what? I said that?)
I miss the couch in Larry's basement. (Most.comfortable.couch.ever.)
I miss my dreads, long hair, anything but this mess on my head.
I miss China Doll Tattoo, because those guys (and gals) are fucking awesome. And they kept track of my rapid hair color changes. True love!
I miss driving down bumpy roads with a ton of people in the back of my van laughing and bouncing around.
I miss picnics in the van at crete park.
I miss feeling "alive and amplified"
I miss my energy, the hyperness that was who everyone knew me as. I feel like I cant get it back.
I miss Gold Coast Hot Dogs in Chicago. Best philly steaks outside of Philly EVER. Orgasmic.
I miss color. I crave orange and lime green and funkyness, and its just not there anymore.
I miss taking an ambien while alone in my bedroom at night, putting on some heavy music, and dancing my heart out till I was out of breath. Nothing ever made me feel so alive.
I miss blowing up mailboxes and doing donuts in the lawns of people who live in the richest town in Illinois.
I miss going to Burger King AT LEAST once a day, and in the end, losing weight from it.
I miss being mischevious at Valparaiso University, because even though most of it was stupid, every picture I have from that year makes me smile and laugh.
I miss being destructive, its an outlet that was ripped away from me.
I miss walking around Chicago at night alone, just for the rush of what might happen.

I miss a lot of things that if I went back I couldn't have back anyway. A lot of them are waiting for me.

To date, I havent had anyone understand me. I feel like there are two completely different people living in my body, and my conscious thought controls neither of them. Im optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. I hate sex but I love it all the same. I always want to be alone, but I hate the idea of it. I think eating animals is wrong, but I could never give it up. I hate people who are uneducated about our world, but I refuse to read or listen to anything having to do with politics. Im never happy anymore, even when Im trying so hard to be. Don't say you understand, because its pointless.

When Im down and feeling miserable and bleek like now, I try to make everyone else happy. Im not going to waste time on myself if its pointless. But, when Im feeling down its hard to be affectionate, or let people in. That is going to be the downfall of everything.

Truth is, I cry really easy. I didnt used to, but now I do. A slightly sad movie will rip me apart. But tonight was so bad I had to use my inhaler. It shouldnt be like this.

Another thing, I get really flinchy if someone comes near me fast, or I feel like something is coming in my direction too fast. Scares the shit out of me. There's reasons, but its not an open forum topic.

I would kill for the best psychologist alive.