aeryn

I'm feeling boring. I can't seem to find a way to express myself. Maybe I'll go re-organize my office now. Maybe that's creative. I am trying to make this house, this life my own, anyway. Maybe if I hang a few pictures. Maybe throw some of his stuff out. Maybe if I stop dreaming it and start, maybe then other things will flow. Maybe that's my problem- I'm lazy and oft content to float along with my dreams in my head and let the dust be thick and deep on the stuff in the closet that really should go to the dump. I hate taking up my precious dreaming time with mundane tasks like going to the dump. Or dusting.

But today I start anyway. Just the closet in what is now MY office. I walk outside to throw out his video tapes he doesn't want, and the man that does the yard work for my neighbors asks me out. Right there with me covered in dust standing by my garbage can and my hair back in a dirty ponytail. So, I suppose something is working. Thing is that I don't really want to go out with him. Not because of him, but because I know it won't work out. For a lot of reasons. But I said yes. Because I like going out to dinner and movies and coffee with people. But I know that he probably doesn't just want to have a nice chat over coffee. So I'm stuck.

So I'm not only boring but selfish and very unable to gracefully negotiate my way through the danger fraught waters of male female relationships. Maybe that is why I got married when I did. Because it was easier.

The biggest problem is that truthfully I don't think I'm boring at all. I'm feeling boring because what I really need is for someone to say "you're so not boring that we will pay you to be interesting. Oh and you can work at home. And not at all when you don't want to. And take extra time off to get that office of yours cleaned. And that trip to Malaysia and Thailand? It's on us." Actually, it is only the first thing that I need someone to say to me. It's what's lacking in my life. I suppose everyone has something missing in their lives. If you do I can help you think up a good excuse not to work hard to find that purpose - at least for a small fee. I'm good at excuses.

This is kind of what I think about when I'm supposed to be making my office over into something that any non-boring successful coffee drinking dreamer will work for money in. I'm easily distracted.