aeryka

today wasnt a good day emotionally.

most days im too busy or preoccupied or passively tryin not to be bothered by it. but today it threw me for a loop.
what was it you ask?
the utter hole of depression that the end of my last relationship has left in me. how much i miss him. how much i wish i could share with him the person that ive become these past few months. ive felt a change. some of it good, and some of it not so good. but a change nonetheless. i feel like ive grown up a bit. i feel like ive gotten stronger. more sure of myself. and i know he would be amazed and proud to know and see this of me.
i miss drinking coffee and studying with him.
i miss watching movies all day and lazily having sex.
i miss waking up to him touching me.
i miss the silly shit we would come up with.
i miss cooking with him.
i miss him teaching me and showing me things i didnt see even if i didnt see them right away.
i miss the change he brought in me.
i miss looking into his eyes.
i miss him laying with his head inbetween my legs while i stroked his head and put him to sleep when he had migraines.
i miss talking to him late at nite when we were 350 miles apart before this distance started the corrosion of us.
i miss the surprises he would give me.
i miss taking care of him.

i dont miss the fighting.
i dont miss the crying.
i dont miss the yelling.
i dont miss the way i felt when it got so bad the cops were called on us.
i dont miss feeling like im nothing.
i dont miss not getting what i need.
i dont miss being blamed for everything.

i miss who he was before life got the better of him. i miss the beginging. but who doesnt miss those magical moments when you are so into eachother its perfect. before it gets routine, before u find those things they do that drive u nuts, before u get tired, before you hurt eachother.

something i wrote a while ago that involves this subject but then again also another person who isnt part of my life anymore. shit man im sick of stuff being complicated. im super sick of not being able to not be so emotional.

Drunkenly discussing things in a field at 3am doesnt always end well. it ended with me left alone in the cold grass surrounded by flowers of snotty used tissues. so i dont know what i want and i need to have some distance. that doesnt mean you leave me. and i need to learn to rely on someone else other than you ((a different you)) cuz apparently somewhere in the midst of our coke induced orgies and using eachothers genitals as pillows you decided you dont like me anymore. unfortunatly old habits die hard and even harder when my heart is involved, all the little pieces of it. and damn doesnt it suck that my voracious sex drive has died along with you and me. yet the thought of you is still the only thing that gets me wet when im sober. the thought of all of you is the only thing that lights a fire inside me that burns so badly i have to call you or text you at 4am even if i cant see straight because i feel like my skin is coming off. and i dont know if i can ever be close enough to anyone again to feel that light that we injected into my every cell. and dammit i wish everything didnt remind me of you. everything from breakfast food to commercials. and damn you ((back to the first you)) im not a waste of time. and fuck both of you for being able to or thinking you will get over me that easily. because while your life continues i cry myself to sleep. because im sorry i love you so much and im sorry that i dont love you at all.

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and then theres these new feelings. i dont want to be jealous but i am. i feel stupid. i realize its me grasping the most real thing ive had in a while. the closest thing ive felt and experienced since him. but its not the same cuz hes not mine and im not his.

god someone get me some acid or something so i can take a vacation from myself.
i have a date after work on friday. im gonna forget but i cant because he might actually be really nice. we might get along swimmingly.

i bought a tv today. i bought goldfishies today. i made a kick ass dinner. steamed asparagus, salmon baked with onion and tomato, super melt in your mouth, angel hair from a box. but the salad was the best. my roommates parents brought crawfish back from new orleans and we ripped out the tails sucked out the heads and added them to a salad. fucking heaven. but shit man i was the only person who really liked what i made. everyone else was like meh....its hard to cook for picky people when you yourself arent. i was pretty productive for being so depressed.

i have to go to sleep. it wont help me not be crabby if im also tired and learning the different arteries is fucking hard and i have to be there. im getting sooooo stoned after school tomorrow.

i need a girlfriend. that would make everything easier if i had a pretty girl to hold.

i think i just need to get laid.

o and PS my lip piercings are doing better. and im falling in love with my haircut.

good nite. sleep tight.