I don't care what anyone says to me. I don't believe I'm an attractive person. And if I am, then I'm not attractive to the [kind of] people I'm attracted to.
First off, I rarely get any kind of compliments about my looks or appearance. I'm not shallow or narcissistic, so I don't require or seek out such compliments. I'm just saying that I don't get them really ever. You know those gorgeous women you can't help but stop and give a double take? They get compliments all the time. They're fawned over. Because they're attractive. Yeah... I don't get that. So that's one.
Second, not too long ago, for some ungodly reason, I committed myself to a dating website for six months. Yeah, I know, I'm a retard. But I did it, and it's done and over with, so let's move past that part. If any of you have done this, you know the game. When you get a message from someone you don't think is attractive, you disregard the message, delete it, and don't reply. It's passive aggressive, but it frees you from the awkward part of saying, "Yeah, sorry, but I think you're ugly." Any beating around the bush would be quickly recognized as such and would be more insulting than simply being ignored, even though that hurts a bit as well. But it's how it goes, and so when you shoot out several messages, see that they've been read, but you don't get a reply, it's obvious what's going down on the other side. They're having that moment: "Hmm. What's this? A message! Alright! LEt's take a look here and OH MY GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!!" They delete the message and move on to find someone they could be seen in public with, and wouldn't want to kill themselves over after having sex with. I shoot out messages to women all the time, women who fit my "type." What's my type? Generally speaking: thin to "average," dark hair, dark eyes, full lips... you know, fuck it. Go to this part of my personal website. I'm told it spells my "type" out fairly clearly. Anyway, I don't get replies from those people. Know what I do get? Messages and "likes" from women that are the exact opposite of what I like. Here's a visual example.
With a single exception (the blonde with the blue chat bubble) all of them are self described either "curvy" or "full-figured," though most should just be real about themselves and go with the latter. One even has BBW in her user name for fuck's sake! Is there a thing about short, bald white guys that fat chicks find intensely attractive? And don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be insulting. I don't think everyone needs to look any one particular way. I'm just saying that I know what I'm attracted to, and thick/chubby/fat women are not it.
And for the coups de gras in this nightmarish carnival called my inability to find women that I'm attracted to that are also attracted to me. I don't get out much, I admit, but at the same time I don't think it's worth looking for someone in a dingy club or bar. At least not someone I'd wanna keep around. I get out into public enough, and the majority of the time I do spend out there in any kind of social environment (if you could even call it that) is at the gym. There are plenty of attractive women that go to my gym. More than you can shake a stick at, as the old saying goes. I've approached several of them to simply and politely tell them that I think they are very pretty. With extremely rare exception I'm given nothing more than a "Thank you/Thanks" at best, an "Oh, okay" at worst, before they put their earbuds back in and get back to stretching or whatever the hell it is they're doing. (to be clear I don't approach them at times I wouldn't want to be approached, so I wait until they're stretching or between sets) My lack of luck with this tactic has resigned me to play more of the hunter, and simply sit back and watch the women I like for a while. No, not like that. Hear me out. I'll look for them when I go to the gym, and before saying anything I'll wait for several mutual visits before I consider approaching them. Why? Because I'm looking for the boyfriend/husband. They aren't always there, but more often than not they wind up showing up after about the third day I'm there at the same time as them.
However, their being taken isn't the issue. It's who they're with. No, for a while when I was younger and my life wasn't in shambles I had what some folks like to call "self-esteem" and a "positive self-image." I was borderline cocky and arrogant. That's all gone away, though, so we can move past that nonsense. The point is that there's a part of me that holds onto the notion that I'm actually a good looking guy. Now I know that everyone has their own taste in other people. But Jesus Fuck, some of the guys I see these women with... I could have sworn I looked better than them. Guess it turns out I don't.
I just don't get it. And as such I've resigned myself to going with that I'm just plain ugly.
And that's that.
