aenigma

i can't sleep

my nights are getting stranger and stranger and i'm not sure if thats a good thing or not

i looked at my past journal entries from this site and kinda saw how you guys see me. it's not exacting how i like things to be. i push my body too much, smoke too much, eat nothing, push my sleeping habits to the test, and work everyday at a job where i stand all day and barely ever move except to help the few customers i have. now we do get busy, but summer is slow, it's hot as fuck, and my energy is drained.
it's like i'm living day to day. sleep, work, go out, come home around 2ish, crash, and do it all over again. except i keep pushing myself. like how far can things go before i just collapse

and once again, this is not the type of person i want to portray. and it's not as is i'm ashamed, however, i used to be different. i dont necessarily want to go back to who i was before, but i wish i could slow down.

i'm sick of other people's bullshit. he said this, she did that. blah blah blah. i do not care. i really dont. i'm having a hard enough time caring about myself.

you know what i've caught myself saying alot lately? "i dont want to talk about it" i dont. i dont want to talk about it. i dont want to talk about anything because it doesn't get me anywhere. not that keeping everything inside is doing me a whole lot of good...

so i can't sleep and i'm drinking milk. i'm going to be exhausted at work... again... they're starting to get suspicious cuz i've been tired all week. i tried not to smoke. i even stopped carrying my shit with me so it wouldn't be such an access. it didn't really work out last night, and i'm disappointed in myself.
tonight i'm going to just go home and go to sleep. i haven't done that in ages. i'm terrified to take time for myself, afraid what i'm actually thinking will catch up with me.

i.hate.details.

i hate dreaming.
i hate bullshit
i hate liars
i hate being broke
i hate being exhausted
i hate the "blahness" of my job
i hate pickles
i hate having to wear long sleeves in the boiling hot because i dont have the most attractive arms due to tattoos, scars, and whatever.
i hate being questioned as to why i wear long sleeves in the heat
i hate covering myself up
i hate it when you smile at me.. not you.. a different you
i hate your attitude.. again.. a different you
i started wearing my engagement ring again. not on that ringer. it's a pretty ring.. and i kinda miss paul
i hate feeling like i'm going to throw up all the time
and i never remember eating!! you'd think i'd have lost weight by now

and i'm fucking out of cigarettes. just fuck me in the ass


i had no intention of... making this entry. and i'm sure when it's read, it'll be just another "bitch bitch bitch" entry to add to lola's many pointless banters. cuz thats all it really is. i'll still go to sleep, wake up in a couple hours, go to work and everything will be the same. except i wont' be carrying... cuz i'm dont want to smoke tonight. cuz.. fuck the police? i dont know

and i'm still pissed i can't fix my user pic to look normal. i think i'm just gunna change it. i can't sleep anyway..

meh



...so.. yeah... if i told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?