it's funny, really, the way life is. the way things can actually be going pretty well -- so well, in fact, that people envy your station in life. the hours i keep, the freedoms i enjoy, the friends i have; when will it be enough? i have a lot to be ecstatic about. i know this. i could scratch a list of at least 20 things in my life i value greatly and i think the problem is that i'm never completely happy with it. never content. or complacent. which, in most regards, is something of a virtue. complacency makes you lazy. you accept what you have as the end-all be-all and that's it. no more change, no more evolution. are YOU perfectly content with what you have? there's nothing you'd like to change? if you answer 'no,' you're in my boat, bubba, welcome aboard.
the problem with this 'virtue,' as it were, is that i hardly stop and take the time to appreciate what i do have. i just sit here and beat myself up for what i don't, or what i can't do yet. i've set myself up for a life of growth and no time to enjoy the moment. my ideological, utopian 'potential' is so far removed from the brutal reality that i'm torn between an inflated ego that i'm the greatest and a beat-down image of being the worst. what kind of twisted duality is that?
this is what describes me perfectly. is this knowing myself? hate/love/love/hate. fiercely polar. creepy, eh?
right now ... it'd be really nice to hear from jessica. she had a rough night sunday evening. and i have things to tell her; things i fear may alienate her. how do you tell someone that the whole world's in love with that you REALLY like her and all that jazz? she's so eager to talk and learn; problem is she's surrounded by stupid assholes. how do i convince her that *I* can somehow improve the quality of her life? make her happy. treat her with respect, which so few people do because of what she does. i'm not burdened with these bullshit prejudices, i see her for her and see what so badly wants to get out but is beaten down so often by the company she keeps.
lookit me! the little christ-child! let me save you, baby!
the problem with this 'virtue,' as it were, is that i hardly stop and take the time to appreciate what i do have. i just sit here and beat myself up for what i don't, or what i can't do yet. i've set myself up for a life of growth and no time to enjoy the moment. my ideological, utopian 'potential' is so far removed from the brutal reality that i'm torn between an inflated ego that i'm the greatest and a beat-down image of being the worst. what kind of twisted duality is that?
this is what describes me perfectly. is this knowing myself? hate/love/love/hate. fiercely polar. creepy, eh?
right now ... it'd be really nice to hear from jessica. she had a rough night sunday evening. and i have things to tell her; things i fear may alienate her. how do you tell someone that the whole world's in love with that you REALLY like her and all that jazz? she's so eager to talk and learn; problem is she's surrounded by stupid assholes. how do i convince her that *I* can somehow improve the quality of her life? make her happy. treat her with respect, which so few people do because of what she does. i'm not burdened with these bullshit prejudices, i see her for her and see what so badly wants to get out but is beaten down so often by the company she keeps.
lookit me! the little christ-child! let me save you, baby!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Spent the first 15 years of my life as a total fuck up. Then spent the next 10 trying to fix it. Days go by where I think, damn, not matter how hard I try, I'm still totally worthless. Then some more days go by where I think I'm king shit of fuck mountain. Not exactly bi-polar, just more reality and fantasy changing hands with each other.
Who knows. The only thing I believe in is that there is some equilibrium that can be reached. That usually keeps me going through the highs and lows.
Hope things work out with Jessica. But be careful man. I've been in the "save her from the shitty situation that she doesn't know she's in" position a couple of times (strippers and/or junkies mostly) and got burned pretty badly.
i spose we'll find out, eh?