Almost 5:00am. Perfect time for a drunken rant.
And a drunken rant it shall be. For I am quite wasted. Very drunk indeed.
I'm happy to be home. To be in my room, with my cats sitting beside me. They were waiting, patiently, for me to come home. They give me love, unconditionally. I wonder if they are the only creatures on this earth that will ever care so much about me.
Tonight I went out to Toast with Sarah. She spent all day helping me paint my apartment. In exchange I bought her a few drinks. She is the only one who actually helped me. And yet she didn't want any money. She didn't even let me buy her lunch. And she even offered to help me again tomorrow.
She alternates between periods of flirting with me and treating me as if I am surely on the friend ladder. She bought two tickets for the NIN concert and invited me along. And yet at the same time she tells of this guy she is crushing on who appears to have blown her off and asks me for advice on what she should do.
At Toast she tells me of a friend of mine who she thinks is cute. I've been doing my best to help him out because I know he is a great guy and deserves so much more than his current situation. He deserves this more than me. But at the same time it hurts me. Why do I always insist on martyring myself?. I tell her that I gave him the go ahead. That the "guy-code" was stopping him. She figured it out.,,, "Why would it matter unless there was a guy that liked me?" she questioned. "Wait, do you like me??" she finally asked me. I balked. "No... that's not it. I gotta go to the bathroom...," I answered. "Well, if you do, I would have behaved differently," she said. Oh, how many times have I heard that before. A broken record. If you don't know by now, wtf is the point of me continuing. I don't want that. I want someone who WANTS ME. I am frequently asked what my "type" is - what kind of girl I like. And honestly, the answer is, someone who LIKES me for who I AM, who appreciates me, my personality, my sense of humor, the way I look, the way I act,
*everything* about me. That is the most important. Why waste my time trying to convert someone who really isn't that into me. That's not what I'm about. I'm too old to play ridiculous games.
So I became very emo. I sulked in the corner. I drank and drank and drank and didn't talk to anyone. I just wanted her to drive me home. So I could sit in my bed, with my cats. But she didn't. Instead we went to an after-party. We drank some more. We drove some other guys home when the party ended. But she didn't take me home right away. We drove around the neighborhood. We laughed. We talked. But not about anything seriouss. We were too drunk., Eventually she took me home. She said if we are gonna work on my apartment again tomorrow that she had to get some sleep. I was shocked. She's gonna help me again tomorrow? I never even asked her. Here I was, ready to just cut her off, to move on, but she cares. She *cares* about me somehow. Maybe I'm totally on the wrong ladder, but I really like this girl. I should be lucky to even have her as a friend - as painful as that may be in the short term. Maybe only now she is beginning to realize it. Maybe she never will. Besides, she has a "soul mate" who lives far away that she is "destined to be with". Who cares. He isn't here. I am.
I haven't been this drunk in a long time. Most people wouldn't be able to type this coherently. Consider yourselves lucky.
Until next time,
~aegiswings
And a drunken rant it shall be. For I am quite wasted. Very drunk indeed.
I'm happy to be home. To be in my room, with my cats sitting beside me. They were waiting, patiently, for me to come home. They give me love, unconditionally. I wonder if they are the only creatures on this earth that will ever care so much about me.
Tonight I went out to Toast with Sarah. She spent all day helping me paint my apartment. In exchange I bought her a few drinks. She is the only one who actually helped me. And yet she didn't want any money. She didn't even let me buy her lunch. And she even offered to help me again tomorrow.
She alternates between periods of flirting with me and treating me as if I am surely on the friend ladder. She bought two tickets for the NIN concert and invited me along. And yet at the same time she tells of this guy she is crushing on who appears to have blown her off and asks me for advice on what she should do.
At Toast she tells me of a friend of mine who she thinks is cute. I've been doing my best to help him out because I know he is a great guy and deserves so much more than his current situation. He deserves this more than me. But at the same time it hurts me. Why do I always insist on martyring myself?. I tell her that I gave him the go ahead. That the "guy-code" was stopping him. She figured it out.,,, "Why would it matter unless there was a guy that liked me?" she questioned. "Wait, do you like me??" she finally asked me. I balked. "No... that's not it. I gotta go to the bathroom...," I answered. "Well, if you do, I would have behaved differently," she said. Oh, how many times have I heard that before. A broken record. If you don't know by now, wtf is the point of me continuing. I don't want that. I want someone who WANTS ME. I am frequently asked what my "type" is - what kind of girl I like. And honestly, the answer is, someone who LIKES me for who I AM, who appreciates me, my personality, my sense of humor, the way I look, the way I act,
*everything* about me. That is the most important. Why waste my time trying to convert someone who really isn't that into me. That's not what I'm about. I'm too old to play ridiculous games.
So I became very emo. I sulked in the corner. I drank and drank and drank and didn't talk to anyone. I just wanted her to drive me home. So I could sit in my bed, with my cats. But she didn't. Instead we went to an after-party. We drank some more. We drove some other guys home when the party ended. But she didn't take me home right away. We drove around the neighborhood. We laughed. We talked. But not about anything seriouss. We were too drunk., Eventually she took me home. She said if we are gonna work on my apartment again tomorrow that she had to get some sleep. I was shocked. She's gonna help me again tomorrow? I never even asked her. Here I was, ready to just cut her off, to move on, but she cares. She *cares* about me somehow. Maybe I'm totally on the wrong ladder, but I really like this girl. I should be lucky to even have her as a friend - as painful as that may be in the short term. Maybe only now she is beginning to realize it. Maybe she never will. Besides, she has a "soul mate" who lives far away that she is "destined to be with". Who cares. He isn't here. I am.
I haven't been this drunk in a long time. Most people wouldn't be able to type this coherently. Consider yourselves lucky.
Until next time,
~aegiswings
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I balked. "No... that's not it. I gotta go to the bathroom...," I answered.
There you go, you are now a friend.
The helping out, the inviting to the NIN show those are all things friends do for one another. You probably pretty much sealed the deal right there.
But you also seem to be breaking the 'don't get hung up on an individual' rule. That's going to give you problems in the future if you don't figure it out soon.
-PT
I balked. "No... that's not it. I gotta go to the bathroom...," I answered.
Actually, now that I'm sober, I remember more clearly and I actually said, "yes, I like you" and then refused to elaborate. I dunno, it's so blurry.
I do tend to get hung up on individuals... it's true, but its also true that I like her more than most girls I've been interested in recently. I am a bit oversensitive.
I've had a long time to think about this. I'm gonna post a longer entry later.
btw, what *should* I have done? I really don't know. When you are drunk and put on the spot like that, is there any correct answer?