adric

Recent events make me depressed.
How do you hold on to the one you love? How can you be certain you are everything they need? What will stop them from allowing themselves to be taken away from you?
How can I trust everything he tells me when I see things that only prove he is untrustworthy? And his actions towards me in similar situations only makes me react worse when normally I wouldn't really go past asking what's up? I had no reason to assume other wise. My reason came from the fact that he seems to assume otherwise. But when following his lead only got me into trouble then what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I feel lost is what I feel. I feel lied to when I know I shouldn't. I feel like he left something out of his explanation and damned if I won't find out what it is! Or leave it alone. I do fine not knowing the things that are secretly attacking me. Breaking down my defense without me even suspecting. It's just that I would rather be prepared for that final battle you know? If it came down to it would I fight for his companionship? I definitely failed to show my ability to fight for it last night. I totally gave in. I recognized my mistake and I tucked my tail and took my beating because I wanted to stay and I knew my mistake was worth being angry over, but that I only knew pieces of his so there was no way for me to argue. I actually think I played my part well, aside from the cowardice approach I took, I still won didn't I? I get to stay and she's gone.
But will she stay gone? Me in her position would probably persist. I usually get what I want. I won him from his girl the first time. I stole him. I took him from her. I won his heart straight out of her hands. Perhaps that's why I am afraid.....
Aside from my pathetic victory I feel defeated. The issue may have been resolved but will it ever go away? Will she recognize my puffed out chest as a sign that she has gotten too close? I made a bold move and I sacrificed myself for this warning. I do hope she takes it to heart and stays away. I refuse to have my partner stolen from me. By her or by anyone. When I am good and finished I will set him free and someone else can take my place, but right now I am far too in love with him to let that happen early.

Something tells me this isn't over I need to get away. I feel like I'm slipping. Losing my grip. I feel depressed. I cried......I haven't cried in months. I don't cry. I had given up on it. I just couldn't help it. I broke down. I was attacked from behind and my own accidental cunning opened my eyes and now I'm fearful.








I don't want to talk about it...I just needed to narrate my thoughts.
Time for school.