any day now, the gray will come. and then i will be gone. hopefully, this grayness will be temporary. but it might be longer than i would like.
i really should just shoot a set, and then get it accepted, and then i would never have to worry about the fact that i havent paid my credit cards in a long, long time.
i've been having issues with a so-called friend of mine. this person calls himself my friend. in reality, i don't know what to call him.
we had a wonderful, amazing time over the summer. i guess he was my tree planting boyfriend or something. and i was under the impression we had something. and i guess we did; for spring anyhow. he left before summer plant, and i went back to planting trees, after we spent a week wandering down Hwy 16 in the biggest gas guzzling vehicle I have ever been in. we agreed to ''see what happens'' when we are back in vancouver.
our correspondence was slim due to his travelling and my being in the middle of nowhere. i wrote him letters, though. probably too many.
soon after my return to vancouver, he makes me dinner (i think he actually only knows how to make that one thing), shares a bottle of wine with me, and then holds my hand while telling me he's now dealing with his ex girlfriend. they reconnected while i was still planting. oh, and she thinks she's pregnant. overwhelmed, i rush out, blinded by tears, and manage to call my roommate and try to ride my bike home. he calls back while i'm on the phone. he tells me we should still be friends, and i should come back over and spend the night. i sleep on the floor (his house was a shorter, drunken bike ride than my place at that point), and the next day vow that it is, in fact, over.
so you'd think it's over, right?
apparently not.
he calls me to hang out a little while later. just says he wants to see me, doesnt say why. i had agreed with myself that we had shared something special. clealy, this is as s not the kind of thing that gets thrown away over something as simple as me having faith in the fact that he would wait 6 whole weeks for me to get back in town. i mean, we did agree that we would see what happened when i got back to vancouver. and apparently this was "the thing that happened," so i would just suck it up, and gain a wonderful friend.
but wait! something wonderful might be happening! he's holding my hand a different way this time ...
he has some news for me!
she isn't pregnant?
we can be lovers again?
this cannot be happening. this thing that i wanted to begin with ... its a little late, and a little different than i how i pictured it. but yes, i wanted him to be mine.
in my joy (or perhaps it was just a temporary relief of devastation, or even that bottle of wine), this seemed like a good idea at the time.
but really, it wasn't.
it was horrible. not the same. all the magic is gone. all of it.
so gone in fact, it was almost as if it was never there.
i couldn't be with someone who felt me so easily forgettable.
so i was fairly heartbroken. again.
and now, he still feels the need to almost pop in and out of my life.
random emails with promises to hang out, which neither of us really follows up on (though mostly him)
phone calls here and there, mostly me to him, when i need something (those never pan out either)
then random invites to his band's shows on facebook a few weeks ago (and i never go. why would i?)
then an email, with an suggestion to hang out sometime (still haven't done so. obviously we learned nothing from the emails of october, november and december last year.
he emails, saying he might come to a party my roommate and i are having, but we change the date, so i call to tell him (politeness, and the fact that i wouldnt even be home that night if he did decide to show)
his response is that he may stop by if he can't find anything else to do.
this is not the kind of behaviour that is acceptable from people i consider friends.
so i'm deleting him out of my life. it's that simple.
i'd rather have no contact at all then be constantly reminded of how much i can do better.
i already know.
and please. he's just a boy.
at 22, does any guy really, truly, fully appreciate the fact that the woman in his arms is incredible?
probably not.
he probably won't realise it for a long time either. he's probably too busy finding someone else to share his "love" with. i just really hope the one he meets this summer isn't from vancouver. at least she'll see her heartbreak coming, instead of having it all dumped on her at once.
i feel like i should sigh here, but i'm really not all that exasperated anymore. i was. and for quite some time.
i really just want to call him, and tell him not to contact me anymore. but its so sparse, and so superficial that it really isn't worth my effort. neither was this blog, but hey - it might be my last for a short bit, and i think i just wanted something like this out there, so that i can confirm to myself that yes, its finally, really over. and i guess i wanted to say good bye. but i don't think he would even notice if i never called again, or deleted him off facebook.
i really should just shoot a set, and then get it accepted, and then i would never have to worry about the fact that i havent paid my credit cards in a long, long time.
i've been having issues with a so-called friend of mine. this person calls himself my friend. in reality, i don't know what to call him.
we had a wonderful, amazing time over the summer. i guess he was my tree planting boyfriend or something. and i was under the impression we had something. and i guess we did; for spring anyhow. he left before summer plant, and i went back to planting trees, after we spent a week wandering down Hwy 16 in the biggest gas guzzling vehicle I have ever been in. we agreed to ''see what happens'' when we are back in vancouver.
our correspondence was slim due to his travelling and my being in the middle of nowhere. i wrote him letters, though. probably too many.
soon after my return to vancouver, he makes me dinner (i think he actually only knows how to make that one thing), shares a bottle of wine with me, and then holds my hand while telling me he's now dealing with his ex girlfriend. they reconnected while i was still planting. oh, and she thinks she's pregnant. overwhelmed, i rush out, blinded by tears, and manage to call my roommate and try to ride my bike home. he calls back while i'm on the phone. he tells me we should still be friends, and i should come back over and spend the night. i sleep on the floor (his house was a shorter, drunken bike ride than my place at that point), and the next day vow that it is, in fact, over.
so you'd think it's over, right?
apparently not.
he calls me to hang out a little while later. just says he wants to see me, doesnt say why. i had agreed with myself that we had shared something special. clealy, this is as s not the kind of thing that gets thrown away over something as simple as me having faith in the fact that he would wait 6 whole weeks for me to get back in town. i mean, we did agree that we would see what happened when i got back to vancouver. and apparently this was "the thing that happened," so i would just suck it up, and gain a wonderful friend.
but wait! something wonderful might be happening! he's holding my hand a different way this time ...
he has some news for me!
she isn't pregnant?
we can be lovers again?
this cannot be happening. this thing that i wanted to begin with ... its a little late, and a little different than i how i pictured it. but yes, i wanted him to be mine.
in my joy (or perhaps it was just a temporary relief of devastation, or even that bottle of wine), this seemed like a good idea at the time.
but really, it wasn't.
it was horrible. not the same. all the magic is gone. all of it.
so gone in fact, it was almost as if it was never there.
i couldn't be with someone who felt me so easily forgettable.
so i was fairly heartbroken. again.
and now, he still feels the need to almost pop in and out of my life.
random emails with promises to hang out, which neither of us really follows up on (though mostly him)
phone calls here and there, mostly me to him, when i need something (those never pan out either)
then random invites to his band's shows on facebook a few weeks ago (and i never go. why would i?)
then an email, with an suggestion to hang out sometime (still haven't done so. obviously we learned nothing from the emails of october, november and december last year.
he emails, saying he might come to a party my roommate and i are having, but we change the date, so i call to tell him (politeness, and the fact that i wouldnt even be home that night if he did decide to show)
his response is that he may stop by if he can't find anything else to do.
this is not the kind of behaviour that is acceptable from people i consider friends.
so i'm deleting him out of my life. it's that simple.
i'd rather have no contact at all then be constantly reminded of how much i can do better.
i already know.
and please. he's just a boy.
at 22, does any guy really, truly, fully appreciate the fact that the woman in his arms is incredible?
probably not.
he probably won't realise it for a long time either. he's probably too busy finding someone else to share his "love" with. i just really hope the one he meets this summer isn't from vancouver. at least she'll see her heartbreak coming, instead of having it all dumped on her at once.
i feel like i should sigh here, but i'm really not all that exasperated anymore. i was. and for quite some time.
i really just want to call him, and tell him not to contact me anymore. but its so sparse, and so superficial that it really isn't worth my effort. neither was this blog, but hey - it might be my last for a short bit, and i think i just wanted something like this out there, so that i can confirm to myself that yes, its finally, really over. and i guess i wanted to say good bye. but i don't think he would even notice if i never called again, or deleted him off facebook.
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Hahahahahaha!