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I bought a couple of cookbooks recently, trying to find some sort of approach to take towards my kitchen. I'm a bad veggie- I eat too much cheese, I'm not conversant with the better protein supplements, I have no idea if I get enough B12.

I also bought a bunch of records recently- Dylan, Ogurusu Norihide, Charalambides, Slumber Party, Explosions in the Sky. With the exception of one, they've all been pretty disappointing. It makes me feel lost to not know what the music I want to hear is, and so I've just been listening to the loudest and noisiest things I own- the Ex with Tortoise, Can Ox, Swans, etc. I'm disturbed that all I want to hear is people cutting loose and making rackets- I know that's not what I grew up playing, and it's really not a reflection of what I go to see, but I don't know where the path is to figure out what I'm interested in.

My girl and I were at this biergarten last night and I was complaining about having to wait ten minutes for her beer to finish settling before we could be served. She just sort of looked at me funnt and said 'why are you complaining? You're into process.' And she's right. I don't explain it enough on here, but we've been together for over three years. You learn things about people in that sort of time. I know what she likes, and she knows what I like, but I think we also both know how the other works. That's comforting in some ways.

But she's right; I like process. One of the cookbooks I bought is Risotto. I make a lot of risotto- two to three times a week, constantly replenishing the tupperware in the fridge. I think part of why I like it is its total involvement. Once you have your mis en place set and you turn the gas on, there's no point at which you're not cooking. I hate baking for this reason- I don't want to walk away and just let it go by itself. I've also rediscovered drinking beer recently, but not cheap stuff- I've been buying microbrews by the case, and then visiting the websites of local breweries to find out how things are made. Process again. The other cookbook is the Tassajara book, and again, bread=process.

I feel detached from the things going on around me lately, and I think that's why I'm unhappy. Meditation has never worked for me- I disengage from things and I feel depressed, I don't know what to do with myself, I just sit around and drink and watch movies and feel shitty.

So I don't know where this is going. I think my disappointment with things in general, and wanting to be in the middle of things all the time is a sign that I am finally ready to start playing music again. I haven't played since I was in college. My band broke up right after kicking me out (it was a distance thing, not a creative differences thing), and I wanted nothing more than to just sell my instruments and walk away. When every record I buy is not what I wanted it to be, I think my disappointment is a signal that I should be making what I want to hear. If I would just listen to that voice, and call up some friends of mine who play, I think I'd be happier.