How do I begin to write? How? And, if I cannot figure that out , how can I figure out how to live?
For the first time in my life, a week ago, I fully considered suicide. And, it felt, sad yes, but also peaceful. Nice really.
I know I'm depressed, and I know my love, the love of my life is also. It feels like we're both slipping "Dangling over a cliff, on a small ledge large enough to feel comfortable for a moment till you wake and realize you have no where else to go" - and we cannot pull each other up, because we are both there.
I guess, perhaps, I should explain how we have arrived here, but it is really quite impossible and i'm sure most of you would rather not here about it. ...so for those of you who don't, stop here.
There is no one incident no one thing to blame - avalanche.
Coming to a place in life where everything you once survived on, all your dreams, turn to a fog. Become foolish. and what you are left with are shards.
Mourning lost friends, losing the will to create, being in a city full of life and finding yourself too broke and dead to be a part of it. Losing any sort of direction, no place to call home, another rejected SG set (what a dumb thing to ba sad over, but I really liked this last one), waiting for the months to come that will push you into debt, getting a degree then finding out it's worth about as much as the sludge that distills in the alleys behind the apartment. Pushing hard everyday till you break for six fifty a goddamn hour. (but I can't complain too much, the people I work with there are AMAZing, some of the best I've met anywhere)
THEN... knowing. Knowing, that all your 'woes' and complants mean nothing, that all it is is feeling sorry for yourself, that loathing your life is pathetic. What I am dealing with, is nothing. My love is dealing with harder things than i, so I am reminded of this constantly.
And that knowlege doesn't do a damn thing to cheer ya the fuck up either.
Were too broke for any sort of 'therepy" and too broke for the medication we both know we need...
...in a country that doesn't give a fuck that the lives of most people reek just as bad.
And then even suicide, hurting all those people..
so there is no answer, no escape, all there is...to push forward? But how? Why?
Who gives a damn what either of us do anyway.
It's too late and no one, No one, needs two more "artists".
And so we shall let tonight pass also. Knowing that many of you join us here also.
I'm sorry if I havn't been replying to people, you are all amazing and I appreciate your thoughts, and I do care. I just have no energy anymore.
xoxo
For the first time in my life, a week ago, I fully considered suicide. And, it felt, sad yes, but also peaceful. Nice really.
I know I'm depressed, and I know my love, the love of my life is also. It feels like we're both slipping "Dangling over a cliff, on a small ledge large enough to feel comfortable for a moment till you wake and realize you have no where else to go" - and we cannot pull each other up, because we are both there.
I guess, perhaps, I should explain how we have arrived here, but it is really quite impossible and i'm sure most of you would rather not here about it. ...so for those of you who don't, stop here.
There is no one incident no one thing to blame - avalanche.
Coming to a place in life where everything you once survived on, all your dreams, turn to a fog. Become foolish. and what you are left with are shards.
Mourning lost friends, losing the will to create, being in a city full of life and finding yourself too broke and dead to be a part of it. Losing any sort of direction, no place to call home, another rejected SG set (what a dumb thing to ba sad over, but I really liked this last one), waiting for the months to come that will push you into debt, getting a degree then finding out it's worth about as much as the sludge that distills in the alleys behind the apartment. Pushing hard everyday till you break for six fifty a goddamn hour. (but I can't complain too much, the people I work with there are AMAZing, some of the best I've met anywhere)
THEN... knowing. Knowing, that all your 'woes' and complants mean nothing, that all it is is feeling sorry for yourself, that loathing your life is pathetic. What I am dealing with, is nothing. My love is dealing with harder things than i, so I am reminded of this constantly.
And that knowlege doesn't do a damn thing to cheer ya the fuck up either.
Were too broke for any sort of 'therepy" and too broke for the medication we both know we need...
...in a country that doesn't give a fuck that the lives of most people reek just as bad.
And then even suicide, hurting all those people..
so there is no answer, no escape, all there is...to push forward? But how? Why?
Who gives a damn what either of us do anyway.
It's too late and no one, No one, needs two more "artists".
And so we shall let tonight pass also. Knowing that many of you join us here also.
I'm sorry if I havn't been replying to people, you are all amazing and I appreciate your thoughts, and I do care. I just have no energy anymore.
xoxo
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
I feel this way every single day. I swear to you I do. I can't afford the therapy or meds either.
Yeah, there is suffering in the world far beyond anything you or I have been through, but that doesn't mean that what you and your love feel, your pain, isn't real or legitimate.
Life is struggle; there is no doubt about that, but it's a battle that you can win if fight long and hard enough. I believe that with all my heart, and it's why I keep fighting. I promise, if you keep fighting you can win.
Maybe the world doesn't need two more artists. I can't answer that. I think the world is desperate for artists, but the world and I rarely see eye to eye. But they are people in the world who need YOU, artist or not, and for starters ... the two of you need each other.
Maybe that is the place to start, to cling to and take care of each other, never leave the other to be alone in this world and die missing you. Make that choice and go from there.
Depression sucks, but things do improve. Just gotta make sure you're both around to see things get better.
and..*some big hugs*