acwildheart

We are all together alone
And these are just wishes
And I am just dreaming
If I ever grow up I will take care of the old
And all the babies that have no-one
You might think I give myself too much credit
But I am just dreaming

'Cos not much is sacred
There's not really much to do here anymore
I don't feel like you said
I walk the earth my darling but I never feel at home
And we all say...

I will change tomorrow
This could be a perfect place

Voice of the Beehive - "Perfect Place" (1991)

WARNING - This journal entry is brought to you by Yorkie's occasional alter-ego "sad Yorkie" who occasionally rises from the slough of despond to vent his thoughts on here. Those of you with an easily depressed disposition would probably be best advised to stop reading now and go and stick some cheerful music on or alternatively just stick your fingers in your ears and say "nah nah nah nah, I can't hear you I can't hear you".

Anyone still left? Ah, just the one. Okay, here goes...

Basically, something happened last night which depressed me and brought a lot of the dark thoughts which occasionally inhabit my mind out which is never fun. If you've been reading the "Loss of Innocence" group in the last 24 hours or so you'll know this but I'm gonna repeat it here regardless...

I was on the phone to a girl who I was friends with in sixth form (she was friends of the girl I was briefly engaged to when I was 18 or 19 before going to separate Unis inevitably kicked that relationship into touch but that's another story) and who I've been back in touch with for about a year since she contacted me via FriendsReunited. We were discussing possibly meeting up for a coffee one Saturday soon but the weekend I suggested she couldn't make as she was off to a wedding. The wedding in question being that one of my old friends from sixth form college to the girl who he's been dating ever since then (ironically, me and my then-gf used to double date with them sometimes). Talking to her a bit more, it turns out he now lives somewhere near Gloucester, works for an ATV firm, earns about three times what I do and is comfortably settled in the whole "suburban couple" lifestyle with his missus-to-be.

The thing is, this isn't the first time in recent months that I've heard of someone who I knew at either college or Uni who seems to have moved on light years ahead of me with their life. It seems like, with a few exceptions, most of my friends from when I was 16-21 have now got steady jobs, steady relationships and are moving ahead in life while I'm still hopelessly drifting from one short-term job and one short-term girlfriend to another while being permanently short of cash. It makes me feel like I'm still stuck in some timewarp or like I'm a 20-year-old stuck in a 25-year-old's body. Maybe the fact that, aside from the odd few who went to college with me, most of the people I go drinking with seem to be two or three years younger than me isn't such a coincidence after all...

I guess it doesn't help with the whole record shop plan falling through due to lack of funds and nobody being prepared to give me any help with the project ("oh you're a graduate, sorry we can't help you" - yeah cheers mate, did I mention I'm a graduate with massive debts and a History degree which equals "straight back to the job centre every six months" in the real world ) which, at least, would've given me some sort of career path which I had something approaching interest in following. Instead, it looks like I'm gonna be stuck in yet another shit office job which bores the hell out of me for the next six months at least while I get a proper plan together for things. While I accept it could be a lot worse (at least in this job I seem to get on with most of my co-workers and have a reasonably manageable workload unlike some other jobs I've been in that I could mention), it scares me looking around at some of the older people I work with who are in their thirties and seem to have a permanent look of resignation in their eyes after the way their lives have gone. It's as if they're permanently thinking "I had the chance to do with something with my life and I never took it and now I'm stuck here". I just pray when I'm 30 that isn't me.

Sigh...I'll stop there now as I'm depressing myself so God knows what effect this is having on anyone reading this. I guess there is a small bright side to look on - I'm off out with some mates tonight to a pub quiz which is always good fun and emogirl has agreed to accompany me to "Rock of Ages" on Saturday (God only knows what her fragile Thrice-loving mind is gonna make of listening to AC/DC and G'n'R for four hours hehehe ) As a counterpoint, here's five songs which, while admittedly quite melancholy, always seem to make me feel just a little bit better when I'm a bit down. Word of advice - if you ever feel like this, try digging them out from Kazaa or somewhere similar. They may not make you feel completely better but they might just start getting you there.

VOICE OF THE BEEHIVE - "Perfect Place"
THE RAMONES - "Danny Says"
SUEDE - "The Wild Ones"
LUSH - "Kisschase"
LOWGOLD - "Beauty Dies Young"

I hope everyone's okay - I'll be more cheerful next time I promise.

Yorkie