acidwerm

i don't blog a lot...nothing important to say i guess, well i want to say that i hit another depression. I told my girlfriend about it, she tried to help me through it, but as usual i didn't listen or my heart just got the best of me. you see i read my exgirlfriends diary, not a good move on my part, but she left it in my house, and then she left me...thats not entirely true, she died. i should explain that a little bit.

a little over seven years ago D and i went to see a friend, it was late when we left about eleven or so, i decided to stop for some food and to pick up other friends on the way. well we're all on our way to our old friends place, thats all i remember, because after that its truly a blur. you see we were smashed into-t boned-drunk driver and no i'm not "madd" either, i'm hurt, i'm sore, i'm just alone.

i woke up in the hospital, remembering not a goddamned thing, i asked what happened? "you were in a wreck" my mother told me. how's my truck? "its fine you weren't in it." she said. Can you get D for me i need to tell her i'm ok. "Honey D didn't make it...she was killed by the driver of the other car, she was killed on impact." i didn't believe my mom, i thought it was some crazy trick or strange joke that D played, to make me get my ass out of bed and get better-i don't know my logic for that one-so i closed my eyes and told her i was hungry, i didn't eat for five more days.

after about two months in the hospital i was let go, and told i wouldn't walk for six months, i was up and moving in three, i pushed myself in every way i could think of...i was like a machine ignoring the fact that i was once human, i read books for hours, listening to music, worked out, played games, and drew my heart out, i wrote more poetry in those months than i ever have in my life. i learned to play the guitar and bass all while ignoring the fact that D was gone, i kept having dreams telling me to go...telling me to leave where i was and go to chicago, one dream stuck out most of all...i was having sex with her and she looked me in my eyes as sternly as possible and i said "you know i'm dead right?" i didn't know what to do with myself after that, so i picked up a new hobby, drinking killing, killing myself anything to take my mind off of her.

moving up two years later, when all the court and monkeys in suits pretending to be civil and gentlemen are finished, i find myself a very beautiful woman who loves me. And she makes the planet sigh, she's everything to me, she knows me and knows what happened and understands that i'm not who i use to be and she accepts me for that. she helps me, in ways i never would have thought possible. but she isn't D, which i know i'm actully comforted by that, i felt so betrayed and so banished by D that i was angry with her all the time. i told myself though that if she ever came back to me i would just love her and be with her and nothing else would matter, all i wanted was a goodbye, i never would get.

so my girlfriend and i have been together now for six years, i'm so happy with her i cry sometimes just at the thought, she means so much to me and so much more than i could ever be. i'm not joking or over doing it either i really feel this way with her around and much worse when she's gone, its like i found someone i can tell anything to, i have nothing to hide and wouldn't, not from her.

moving back just a little bit now, i was at my parents house a few weeks ago helping them move, and i found a box of old porn mags, some home movies i made with some friends fifteen years ago, and D's diary. i wasn't planning on snooping at all, i forgot i even had them, i went all this time without peeking or anything. so i grabbed it looked through it to see if it was hers- i knew it was-and i started to read.

i found where her ex had broken her heart, and i laughed because she was fifteen and completely upset, i laughed because that was when i met her, and she was so tangled in him that it wasn't funny. i talked with her a lot and i actully couldn't stand her for a while because she was so wrapped up in this guy who treated her like shit and then dumped her for the town bike, but i got to know her and the more i got to know her my name appeared in her diary. at first it was sweet, she mentioned lying to friends so she could "swing by my place." that made me smile, and then i saw where she got to know me in return and the monster i portray. everytime she saw me after we started to fool around started with "he was in such a pissy mood i wonder why i like him." i wasn't trying to be an asshole and remember it quite the opposite, but that was a long time ago and my brain has been battered by two tons of steele. i remember everytime i looked at her i melted, but all she saw was some brooding hate, that had no problem taking it out on everyone around me.

it hurt and still hurts, i loved her so much i cried that night wondering whether or not she ever loved me or was trying to escape something...

i know this is all over the place and rather long, and i apologize as i said before i don't blog a lot.