So for my post pub thoughts tonight, I thought I should really try to work out whom 'I' actually is.
I seem to have lived in nowhere for most of my life. As soon as I began to understand the concept of individuality at about the age of 12, I realised what a scary concept it was. Ever since, I have tried to live my life with no individuality at all.
Being 'rather tall' seemed to force me to stand out. I didn't want this, but it just was forced upon me by myself. I really hate myself for forcing things upon others.
So for years, I refused to do anything for my body, unless told my someone. I did shave the unsightly bits of facial hair that perpetually sprouted from the same spots on my stupid face. That was the only bit of personal grooming I would do.
Trying to not stand out whilst you towered above many others, and had hair down to the shoulders was not a challenge. It just involved refusing conversation.
I would receive the predictable comments from the sports chaps 'Haha, your hair is like a girls hair.' To which I would bravely reply ''. I only wish that I could have actually carried out the psychotic actions of my mind upon them.
I always had visions of exacting my fairness upon many. It usually involved beating untill I hurt. Then they would be disposed of in the usual 'burial in a stream' method.
So to summarise, I wanted to be invisble, but me, I wanted to force myself to confront the shit straight on. I grew long hair (the only male out of 500 to do so) just to make myself even more terrified.
I hung out with the crowd. But the crowd was not the 'in crowd'; neither was it 'the geeks.' It was the crowd that did everything that everyone else did. We drank on the streets. We smoked pot. We had parties. We were the group that is always there, but never noticed.
I think that I am a 'make-do'er. Why change something that works? I will happily do something that takes me 5 minutes to avoid the 30 minute job in order to remove/improve it.
And in reality I will never be anything of what I want me to be. I can achieve it, but I don't want me to. So I say '' to you all.
I seem to have lived in nowhere for most of my life. As soon as I began to understand the concept of individuality at about the age of 12, I realised what a scary concept it was. Ever since, I have tried to live my life with no individuality at all.
Being 'rather tall' seemed to force me to stand out. I didn't want this, but it just was forced upon me by myself. I really hate myself for forcing things upon others.
So for years, I refused to do anything for my body, unless told my someone. I did shave the unsightly bits of facial hair that perpetually sprouted from the same spots on my stupid face. That was the only bit of personal grooming I would do.
Trying to not stand out whilst you towered above many others, and had hair down to the shoulders was not a challenge. It just involved refusing conversation.
I would receive the predictable comments from the sports chaps 'Haha, your hair is like a girls hair.' To which I would bravely reply ''. I only wish that I could have actually carried out the psychotic actions of my mind upon them.
I always had visions of exacting my fairness upon many. It usually involved beating untill I hurt. Then they would be disposed of in the usual 'burial in a stream' method.
So to summarise, I wanted to be invisble, but me, I wanted to force myself to confront the shit straight on. I grew long hair (the only male out of 500 to do so) just to make myself even more terrified.
I hung out with the crowd. But the crowd was not the 'in crowd'; neither was it 'the geeks.' It was the crowd that did everything that everyone else did. We drank on the streets. We smoked pot. We had parties. We were the group that is always there, but never noticed.
I think that I am a 'make-do'er. Why change something that works? I will happily do something that takes me 5 minutes to avoid the 30 minute job in order to remove/improve it.
And in reality I will never be anything of what I want me to be. I can achieve it, but I don't want me to. So I say '' to you all.