acheron

pensive rambling time:

i'm in medication withdrawl at the moment, which is making it impossible for me to sleep at this particular moment. i'm bouncing between incredibly tired at random moments to tense and anxious and hyper. i liked the messages i'd been kamikaze-ing to luke the past week--

me: *rests her head on his shoulder and timidly slides arms around his waist*

his away message [to which i talk to for the rest of the segment]: "The self transformed into wave lengths,
-Reverberating this unyielding dream. Lost in this greedy illusion
I'm forever devoured by the closed eye visual delusion"


pardon me this lapse
some passions die hard.
and oh, how i mean passion in the latin sense of the word.
in the sense of suffering an infliction.
apologies for this.
if it's possible to miss someone you never had
i think i do
or maybe it's the sense of hope
done in like caesar
that i can't stand.
i wrote you a crazy email that i couldn't
bring myself to send.
pixel death.
death to the pixels.


end transmission on messages to luke.
it's been a hard week. i've had so much negative input, so many people saying awful things to me over the past week, so much stress, so many people unwilling to help when i needed it. i feel the worst i've felt about myself in a long time.

it's ironic, because i've been hit on an obscene amount this week, and i've been terribly witty. part of my freak out yesterday was...oyy. my friend erez is gonna fucking kill me, i swear. he had a crush on luke, intro'd me to luke and then luke took an interest in me, sorta, but it killed the crush for erez. and then erez changed crushes, and tried to avoid introducing me to this one...

he's in this frat (but i don't understand the frat, really. it's a "dry" house, meaning you can't even have alcohol on the premises. it seems like a weird way of creating structure for people who can't do basic items of self care or enjoy needless social commitment) and they're recruiting new members, at the moment by way of handing out flyers in sproul plaza. and because half of the house or something like that knows me, i stop and chat sometimes. erez and i were walking out of russian and went through sproul and erez stopped to say hi to his new crush [frat flyer boy of the hour], but didn't intro me. just told me later on our walk, "oh. that's HIM" *dreamy look*. i got lunch etc. and was walking back to the library because it was my day off from translating and erez's crush is still flyering and sees me and runs after me and yells "hey! you're erez's friend! i didn't catch your name!"......and i'm sure you can guess exactly the chain of events. i ramble and just am myself and i think it's evident that the guy had a bit more interest in me than as "erez's friend". sooo. i'm sure i'll hear about that on monday.

the part of it that killed me, though, was i've forgotten the feeling of someone having a genuine interest in me. of someone wanting to pay attention to me and listen to me. of someone choosing to be around me instead of doing a half-assed job of listening. i guess...*sigh* that's part of what i liked so much with this new prof whose class i joined onnnn...thursday...he walked into the room, looking directly into my eyes. and came and talked to me before class. looking into my eyes the whole time. and when he was lecturing and i was starting to smile over a point he was making (*sigh* like when he started talking about kazantakis) he'd smile back at me...it's that sense of presence...i miss. and...annoyingly enough, with this stupid erez-crush, the whole time i just kept thinking, he's not luke. i want luke. he's not smart like luke. or poetic like luke. or moral like luke. but...this is what interest is. and luke doesn't come close to having this kind of interest in me. apparently it's painstaking for luke to try to talk to me, for whatever reason. it'll be a long time, if ever, until luke shows interest in me even as a friend on the level i can get out of a person i don't care about half as much. and have known a millionth of the amount of time i've known him.

and something about that realization was earth-shattering for me. it swept me with tantrums. ahhh the loss of hope. it makes me want to give up. *sigh* my l.a. therapist tells me that i need to work on thinking that just because a person isn't talking to me right at whatever moment i need them to doesn't mean that they don't care, or don't like me or that they never will talk to me again or will never be there for me again. but...it's not like it'd be writing luke off prematurely here...would it? i don't fucking know any more. i know i need to stop wanting him. he will not be there. right? there's no reason to hope any more...it might be years before he'd ever look at me

and all that time i'd be throwing myself at the gates, screaming let me in please i'll be good i'll hold your heart in velvet hands like it were my own i'll love you with everything i have and am i'd lay myself open to you and anything you want of me is yours in any fashion you desire it...

but i know he'd leave me out there. maybe because he's got scruples but is confused...maybe because he's just apathetic about me. *sigh*.

either way...i need to stop with him...it'll only disappoint continually for a very long time.

ugh, i hate the whole world. it's such an irony...i've started to treat him mentally as an instrument of a cruel fate--i wondered for a long time if men existed who contained the traits i desired, an odd mix extremely hard to perfect because...they're contradictory/paradoxical...and then i accidentally meet luke...and he is all of those things, but lacks the fundamental key to any friendship/relationship/romance: interest in the female lead. *sigh* so now i know what i want exists, i just can't have it. i hate you, fate.