acheron

have this vague uneasiness these days. it sneaks by my left shoulder and i can feel it hovering there but i can't bring myself to look at it for fear that i'll submit. but it's there, the nausea...that perpetual loneliness (ha, once upon a time, i thought i was an existentialist. my friends made sure to remind me that i'm just angsty) that reminds me that something's not quite right. in one brash sweep of my fucking backhand i want to yank it back into place, or amputate by way of sheer force. "yank" strikes me as a terribly pathetic word at the moment, probably because i'm having a moment of temporary pensiveness/frustration/critical negativity mental crash...the delicate "ya" sound isn't harsh enough for the kind of notion i want to suggest. maybe in a british street trash language it'd sound better...but on my voice as is, that first syllable kills it. even my own words are striking me as inadequate <i>her ability to twist language to more negative perception stuns the average person,</i> globalizing. sometimes i feel like i have no control over my brain. it's wandering away from me and my fingers are providing the only transmission of what's going on. it's gone from my consciousness and i just want to throw myself at a wall or cry or break everything and i have no idea why i'd want to do that at the moment...beyond that terrible loneliness that shadows me...it steps too close sometimes, sometimes. and even though people look at me occasionally i can't tell if they see me or a placeholder--zero. that wish that there was somewhere to hide my head from myself, someone else to bury the pain in, but this time there's no one. i miss kody holding my hand when i started to cry and shielding my head from the crowds. i've waited so long it seems and i've paid so dearly without having done anything. i'm no buddhist, not last that i checked. nothing with emotions deserves this kind of in medias res to slam plotlines into motion after laying dormant on the ocean floor for so long...


things in palos verdes fall into the ocean, why oh why can't i?

it's been a long week and i need consoling...or comfort, or something. all the men in the world can find me attractive i guess, but that doesn't mean anybody'd ever put up with the kind of running on empty my system does. the sheer amount of fumes leaking into the cabin prevents it from being safe.

christ. i just wanna be someone's little bunny. with a y.
(<i>starts to cry</i>