abyssia

i've not been in the hospital in over two years and i intend to keep it that way. the desire to cut is so very strong. i'm home alone and i know i could just pop over to the drug store and grab some blades... a nice, fresh box of them. why do i salivate when i think of that? it's not as if i don't have alternatives. i have syringes with which i can withdraw blood. i can scratch. i just can't let myself use the blades. i will literally shred myself. i already look like a rag doll - sewed up far too many times. and sometimes just stapled. i think they got frustrated with me. they didn't understand that even though my cutting could be deadly, i wasn't trying to die. usually. i just got carried away. all the pain on the inside - seeing the inside - bleeding it out. testing myself with the pain at times. i could burn! that would upset them though. all of it upsets them. if it weren't so close to christmas... if i thought i could hide it. if.... if i could trust myself to just cut enough and not too much. i don't want to taste it. i just want to watch it run down the drain. yup. flush part of myself. they used to use leeches. they used to bleed the ailing. to bleed the addled. is that why it feels so natural to me? was i bled? how did i die last time? why do i want to slice my face into ribbons? that is such a persistent thought. a fantasy almost. i'm salivating even more. i keep swallowing hard - but this is no mystical union, no spiritual experience, not even sex. just pain and the desire to be rid of it.