abyssia

i could feel it as it happened. i could smell it and see it and taste - but there was no sound. i know he made sound - if only the creaking of the bed or his zipper. i know i must have made some rather awkward gagging, choking sounds. i wondered how he got his hands around my neck like that. how he kept my head still while he fucked my face. how did he overpower me so utterly? i see the darkness of him coming at me over and over again. i could not keep my eyes closed. and then there are the why questions. why didn't i scream. why didn't i bite him. why didn't i click the button to ring the nurse's station. why didn't i just knee him in the balls before he had the chance. why did i never say anything. but i know the answer to those questions. i was drugged. i went to the hospital to be safe from myself - safe from my own hands which so deftly wielded the razor blades that opened up my arms. i went to be safe from the shadow demons that kept flapping around me. taunting me. laughing at me. oh the flapping... and i was given medication to sedate me. to make me not quite so psychotic. and the next morning the doctor said she could see that i was psychotic - that she could see it in my eyes. (i wondered if their medication wasn't working) but now i wonder what her eyes would have looked like after that night. i even wonder if they knew. they moved me to the unit for women. it wasn't locked and indeed, the door stood open - but like a vampire, i needed to ask permission to pass through it.

i asked to be taken someplace safe because i could not trust myself to keep me safe. i sometimes think i'd have been better off dead.