abyssia

it's bad. it's so bad that i don't even care to read an article about god being in our genes. that's really fucking bad. at least for me. yeah, most people don't give two shits about that sort of thing, but me - i'm a shit giver. usually. not today. i'm keeping my shit. gah! i just got all scatological! ick. anyway, this is how i've been for weeks now. not giving a shit. um, not caring. (gotta keep away from the shit talk) and so here i am talking about how i just don't care and what it means or doesn't mean or whatever.... if i didn't care at all, would i be typing? no, i'd be laying in bed, all stinky and unwashed, barely breathing. so i obviously care a little. though i think i could be better groomed, i'm not stinky - yet. but i tried to read the article and it started out with some monks in white who were chosen as babies by virgins.... and i just lost interest. now the thing is, that's the sort of thing that usually GRABS my interest. forget the god in my genes thing, i'd be looking into the virgin nuns and the rice monks. but no.

bats, bumble bees, spiders, snakes, love, none of it is waking me up. none of it is tingling me. none of it is able to pierce this depression. and yes, it is depression. or maybe a spiritual malaise? don't try, just let it go. yes, i had to remind myself. and even now i'm trying not to try. time to go.