so now i'm taking myself on. finally. they call it borderline personality disorder. i've always hated that. i think that maybe if it had a name that didn't make me feel like there was something wrong with my personality, i may have taken this on sooner. i mean, i was first told i had this disorder when i was about 14.... i couldn't deal.
so, this has been quite a long time coming. i've screwed up a lot and i've overcome a lot and here i am. i'm not suicidal, though the thoughts have passed through my head more frequently in the past several weeks than they have in the past several years. passing thoughts. it's a thought habit. something my brain does automatically. something i'm trying to change. i've been very successful at changing the once persistent thoughts of cutting/burning etc.... well, i've not changed them into thoughts of lollipops or anything - i just don't think about it much at all.
but suicide - the ultimate escape - that is very different from something i relied on for over a decade to cope. it has an even deeper allure. and, now that i think of it, i've always used escape routs of some sort to cope. given myself permission to leave a lecture if i got too freaked out by the size of the hall - that sort of thing. and that allowed me to DO so many things. yes, i used reverse psychology on myself and it worked! but allowing for death? i'm not sure that is such a good idea. i think it may keep me from truly embracing life.
it has been very difficult just eating, but i'm doing it. i am even volunteering to help out with things around the house. oh yes, the house. my parents' house. gulp. swallowed my pride and asked for help and still don't know if i'm going to get it, but i need it and they are the only people i can ask.
i keep crying. i cry for the pain i've caused and for the pain i'm in... i cry out of fear and out of self-loathing... i cry because i can't swallow my food or because i have a thought like "i don't deserve to eat" and then i think i shouldn't have that thought and i get mad at myself for thinking it and then i get upset because i shouldn't get mad at myself for having a thought like that, i need to forgive myself and it's all just so damn confusing and i wonder why i can't just be "normal" and if there is anything good in me at all and... well, you get the picture. (had to stop, wipe the tears and blow my nose)
i just keep hurting people and i need to stop. i need to become a person. i need to be in a safe and stable place long enough to get this dialectical behavioral therapy that should help me to become more than an id and super ego. they say it usually takes about a year. right now, i know i can't be on my own. maybe in a few weeks, a month or two? right now i need to be here or in a hospital (and hospitals are just warehouses now so that really wouldn't be useful - i wouldn't get the kind of therapy i need). soon i hope to be able to rent a room somewhere. i keep looking, but i can't afford much. of course there are social services to be considered as i am on disability, but that always comes with a long waiting list and dysfunction all around. it would not be a safe or stable living situation. this is so very frustrating!
sometimes i think that i used to be somebody - when i look at old photos - but i can remember feeling, acting and thinking as i do now - except with the cutting. sometimes i was more able to function as the world expects but inside i was always rotten. now i'm sure i shouldn't use the word "rotten" but it does seem the best word for it. even as i use words like "i" and "me" i don't quite know what i'm referring to! my best friend once drew a picture representing my id, ego and super ego. my id and super ego were nicely formed, but my ego was small, unbalanced between the two and it looked as if it had been gnawed on. bpd = rotten ego. i don't see anything wrong with recognizing that. it is one aspect of the disorder i need to work on. what does it mean to be me? who mediates between my impulsivity and my ideals? what will keep me from being such a romantic that i live like i'm in some cheezy romance flick - and BELIEVE it - feel it.... for a time...? where will i find my truth?
alright, i can't think on this anymore right now. i'm getting started. i'm exhausted.
oh, this is why i asked you all to not let me give up.... thank you for the words of encouragement!!!
so, this has been quite a long time coming. i've screwed up a lot and i've overcome a lot and here i am. i'm not suicidal, though the thoughts have passed through my head more frequently in the past several weeks than they have in the past several years. passing thoughts. it's a thought habit. something my brain does automatically. something i'm trying to change. i've been very successful at changing the once persistent thoughts of cutting/burning etc.... well, i've not changed them into thoughts of lollipops or anything - i just don't think about it much at all.
but suicide - the ultimate escape - that is very different from something i relied on for over a decade to cope. it has an even deeper allure. and, now that i think of it, i've always used escape routs of some sort to cope. given myself permission to leave a lecture if i got too freaked out by the size of the hall - that sort of thing. and that allowed me to DO so many things. yes, i used reverse psychology on myself and it worked! but allowing for death? i'm not sure that is such a good idea. i think it may keep me from truly embracing life.
it has been very difficult just eating, but i'm doing it. i am even volunteering to help out with things around the house. oh yes, the house. my parents' house. gulp. swallowed my pride and asked for help and still don't know if i'm going to get it, but i need it and they are the only people i can ask.
i keep crying. i cry for the pain i've caused and for the pain i'm in... i cry out of fear and out of self-loathing... i cry because i can't swallow my food or because i have a thought like "i don't deserve to eat" and then i think i shouldn't have that thought and i get mad at myself for thinking it and then i get upset because i shouldn't get mad at myself for having a thought like that, i need to forgive myself and it's all just so damn confusing and i wonder why i can't just be "normal" and if there is anything good in me at all and... well, you get the picture. (had to stop, wipe the tears and blow my nose)
i just keep hurting people and i need to stop. i need to become a person. i need to be in a safe and stable place long enough to get this dialectical behavioral therapy that should help me to become more than an id and super ego. they say it usually takes about a year. right now, i know i can't be on my own. maybe in a few weeks, a month or two? right now i need to be here or in a hospital (and hospitals are just warehouses now so that really wouldn't be useful - i wouldn't get the kind of therapy i need). soon i hope to be able to rent a room somewhere. i keep looking, but i can't afford much. of course there are social services to be considered as i am on disability, but that always comes with a long waiting list and dysfunction all around. it would not be a safe or stable living situation. this is so very frustrating!
sometimes i think that i used to be somebody - when i look at old photos - but i can remember feeling, acting and thinking as i do now - except with the cutting. sometimes i was more able to function as the world expects but inside i was always rotten. now i'm sure i shouldn't use the word "rotten" but it does seem the best word for it. even as i use words like "i" and "me" i don't quite know what i'm referring to! my best friend once drew a picture representing my id, ego and super ego. my id and super ego were nicely formed, but my ego was small, unbalanced between the two and it looked as if it had been gnawed on. bpd = rotten ego. i don't see anything wrong with recognizing that. it is one aspect of the disorder i need to work on. what does it mean to be me? who mediates between my impulsivity and my ideals? what will keep me from being such a romantic that i live like i'm in some cheezy romance flick - and BELIEVE it - feel it.... for a time...? where will i find my truth?
alright, i can't think on this anymore right now. i'm getting started. i'm exhausted.
oh, this is why i asked you all to not let me give up.... thank you for the words of encouragement!!!
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
i miss you
♥
Glad you`ve given thoughts of giving up a miss. No answers lie there.
Having read through this entry twice, I`m upset for you.
I can`t help but feel you are blaming a lot of stuff on yourself, and I can`t buy that.
If you feel rottwen somehow that`s ok, but know that at least I think you are a very special person.
Take your time with everything, you`ve been through a hell of a lot, don`t be too hard on yourself and don`t let others be hard on you either.
Message me if you like.
Send you some love