Wednesday Nov 24, 2004

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this is an update so that no one has to look at the last entry i made. oh, and to wish a happy thanksgiving to those who celebrate it. even those who deep fry not only their turkeys, but their pies! never go for the bad pie, in any form.
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amok:
Thanks Abyssia, for your response to me journal about Stripe. You seem like a person who is capable of connecting with animals very easily, and who respects them very much. Many people just don't have that ability, or don't allow it to happen, with an "it's just an animal" attitude.
I'm sorry you've also have had to go through such horrible decisions, and grief. At least we know that while our animal friends were alive, they lived with all the love we could give them. Unfortunately, not enough animals get that love in life. I will always have pets, no matter how bad the grief is in the end. IThe important thing is that while they are alive, they get lots of love, affection, and treats.

Although I'm not a believer in heaven, at least not for humans, I like to think that Stripe is enjoying an afterlife full of cheese, and cardboard boxes, and lots of toilet paper... and that she is restored to her healthy self, and remembers us.
aj_paradiselost:
Hey Demoness, what the fuck is up? Yeah the Doc put me on Fluoxetine. Its just a low level drug that takes the edge off. It just calms stress and anxiety a bit. Its only about 20 mgs and isn't habit forming. Like I was telling you before, feeling caged sucks ass. Anyway doll, I'll talk to you more indepth L8er.

Friday Nov 19, 2004

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God

slip away
come and play
i don't have anything to say
but i write
type and type
tippity tap tap
skippity doo
wonder if you
would like me much
if you truly knew
that you are me and i am you
boo boo hoo and boo hoo too
hum drum dry
i tickle the ant with the fly
once upon a time
there was...
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aj_paradiselost:
Don't walk on eggshells around me. I have my moods but I'm not a fucking christian or anything. The past is done and I am done with it. I'm not a bitch. Offend me if you wish.
The fucking reason I said about the time thing is that I found the humor in your post. Shit like that usually requires some degree of spiraling thought and jumbled reasoning. L8er on Demoness.
_gone_:
aye

have fun in ithaca .. yeah .. i concur, bad pie .. in any form sucks .. im making individual pies for deep frying .. sweet potato & pumpkin .. my all time favorite would have to be chocolate pecan

later babe

~ Alien

Wednesday Nov 17, 2004

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Why haven't I journaled in a couple of days? Cuz I haven't. And why am I typing this now? Because I am. My neck hurts. My head hurts. I cannot sleep. There is a crying baby and a squawking bird in my range of hearing. The voices are making a soft hum for a change. Thats nice.

People keep asking me how I am. Im...
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killbert:
Soda makes me belch too. Your post reminded me of my last belch. It smelled like a retards vagina. not clean.
aj_paradiselost:
Everything is already forgotten. That was the old me, I was someone else with the following sunset. The sunset that comes upon me tonight will leave me being someone else. We are continually growing arent we? At least that is what they fucking say. Yeah so I'm fucking getting ready to leave for work soon. Maybe I'll grab a coke slushy. They always calm me down when I'm feeling fucking caged. I was going to call out of work for the next fucking three days but with christmas coming that wouldn't be the RESPONSIBLE thing to do, or so I am told. Anyway, the human world of congestion, social order, and resposible citizenship is fucking beckoning, oh and uncle fucking Sam says I owe him something called taxes because my heart beats and I breath. If I don't pay I'm told they'll put my in a literally cage where running under the full moon will be an impossiblity for some time. So take care babe........L8er

Tuesday Nov 16, 2004

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lucabrasi:
Boroughs is a wack, i kinda like ginsberg better.
lucabrasi:
I have a CD of Burroughs reading a story with Kurt Cobain playing guitar. It's creepy. It just always bugged me that Burroughs shot his wife in the face..

Monday Nov 15, 2004

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crappy cranky awful day. days like today make me want to hit the reset button. i should not be awake. i should not be aware. i cannot sleep. not after that nightmare. no. i can't remember being so scared - maybe when i was little and nightmares happened more regularly. i've not had a nightmare in so long. i can't remember.... but this - this...
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daekrys:
what's a clitoris?
pixilated101:
there's no reset button...I know, Ive been looking for one for a long time...

typically "they" don't know what the hell "they" are saying...

I have not forgot about "the viewing"(next in line in story about death), but I have been lazy...forgive?...

that what I should be doing is the thing that I'm trying to reason with myself that it does not need to get done just yet so I can take a nap...or just loaf about...(after reading this sentence, I'm sure there's a better way to lay it out to get my message across, but...)

Tuesday Nov 09, 2004

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i want out.
i want to be free.
there is a terrible scream inside.
i only know i'm stuck here.
close the door dammit.
eat your peanut butter and goldfish.
speak of me no more.
free.
blah, blah, blah.
sweet smelling hand cream.
lick.
lap me up.
i bleed for none but you.
all of you.
your pain.
your lives.
your blessed hand cream.
a...
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drrtyrocstr:
I am not sure how I came across your writtings, nor do I think it matters. I feel as if I was ment to read them. I hope you are not offended. That is not my intention. I was compelled.
yuriel:
no youre a smart one
psst your writing rocks
although i dont always read it
cool pic
amen on your opinion.
as its the right one
EL SUICIDO LOCO
mad love

Monday Nov 08, 2004

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Standing on the Brink of Time, Looking at Myself

Even though Im still looking at myself, I am not at all in a state of stagnation. There is a lot to see when I look at me. So now I am observing me and deciding what of me I want to be and what I shall discard. I don't actually expect Ill discard much at...
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drrtyrocstr:
Very cool, I will have to reread it, coffee isn't in vains yet. Fallen angels and dirty wings...
when the dog bites and the bee stings...
pixilated101:
if you change you are you then still you?...

yes I'm trying to be funny...

I often eval who I am and what I want to be and have to compromise somewhere inbetween...it is like there are 2 of me...


I like the you that you are...dirty wings and all... smile

Wednesday Nov 03, 2004

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we try.
we did not fail.
we were betrayed.
betrayed by the fear of our neighbors, our cousins, our friends.
the nightmare continues....
did you know jesus is the reason for the season?
that is a lie.
they tell lies.
the truth shall set you free.
free? really.
no. yes? hope... gone.
tears come now.
tears for you and tears for me.
tears for all...
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zonenkind:
Hi there,

Keep your spirits up my American friend. The world so needs Americans like you!

I am proud of you! Keep going!


Love
aj_paradiselost:
Hey babe, yeah, I will write more for you. Can't wait until we can IM. Im fucking siked. I'm just sitting here having a beer before bed. The Filth and the Fury is on so I'm gonna watch this and then call it a fucking night. L8er Demoness

Saturday Oct 30, 2004

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Standing on the Brink of Time, Waiting for Myself

somebody put something in my drink....

darkness. the end is near.

if i am me and i am all that exists, why would i create such a depressing world to inhabit? right. that happy god? does not exist.

standing on the brink of time, waiting for myself.

thinking it, creates it. willing it, gives it power....
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drrtyrocstr:
I am so comming to your house next Hallows Eve!!! 42!! I am glad that you had fun even without the partiness.
aj_paradiselost:
Good morning Demoness, missing you and your insights.

Wednesday Oct 27, 2004

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Once upon a time there was a girl and she tried very hard to please everyone she met. She was very kind and listened attentively and with genuine interest as people spoke to her. She delighted in gaining the trust of those around her. She devoted herself to the happiness of others. While she was not utterly selfless, she did place the needs, wants and...
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aj_paradiselost:
Hey, babe, Hello right back at ya. Its about three-thirty on a fucking Saturday morning. My friend Shana is crashed out on my couch. I was giving her guitar lessons and she played until her fingers bled and her buzz wore her out. I think we have a fucking folk singer in the making, not that I"m proud of that but I'm proud of her.
I've got a bit of a buzz fucking going on. I'm not complaining, the fucking Yuengling Lager and Hieniken are flowing freely. I was just listening to Concrete Blonde's " Bloodletting Album." There are few bands that put out albums that I like in thier entirety but that is one of them. Its on that Goth side but I dig it anyfuckingway. So what are you up to this weekend Demoness? What dark words of intrigue shall I dwell upon from your black, silkend mind? I always linger on the edge of the computer desk to find out.
Anyway. I shall talk to ya soon. I"m off all fucking weekend so there will be drunken orgies tomorrow and football all Sunday. And then work shall demand the rest of my time for the following two weeks. I will talk to ya later babe. I signed on for the SGs. I hang around becaue of our conversations...........L8er babe.
yuriel:
me too *hugs*
ugh my stomach even seems to start being an asspain to me
as if....hehe
*hugs*
EL SUICIDO LOCO
mad love

Sunday Oct 24, 2004

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I wrote this during typing class in high school. Though some of the language I use has changed, the way I think and the things I think about have not. I found this in a stack of things and it was so faded I thought I'd best transcribe it before it faded back to nothing.

All that is, was and never shall be...

~~~~~~~~~~~
almost...
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aj_paradiselost:
Lol, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in Lancaster. Oh and you need to get some sleep babe. If I were you I'd be hallucinating if I didn't. It happens. Have an interesting time brushing the veil, and if you reach Sid Vicious tell him I need some inspiration. Oh and I didn't feel the need to mention about protecting my family and friends....yadda........yadda.....yadda. I just go into fits of insane ranting. Pretty fucked up eh? Anyway, gonna split...........L8er.
aj_paradiselost:
I think I'm fucking covering your page with my comments....Sorry about that. I just wanted to fucking say hello. Nothing really profound. Hope all is well babe........L8er.

Saturday Oct 23, 2004

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he said i'm the bit of sanity in his day.

no one has ever said that. i cried. i am crying. i am always the insanity.... i'm the one who needs caring for. i'm not. not to him.

i feel appreciated. i feel strange. i feel like my shell has been shattered, my masks burned and yet i feel free and like i've been seen...
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daekrys:
motherly instinct kickin in?
aj_paradiselost:
I don't think there is anything wrong with finding words like that blissful. If he can say that to you than he truly appreciates you babe.......everything you say is a mirror of Sanity, Truth, a metaphoric art. I think it is really fucking cool that you are appreciated. Make him a roast with mash potatoes and steamed carrots, hell, that's what I'd want.
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