absinthe

Boy and I seem to be entering the "I hate you" stage of breaking up. I know its a lot easier to get angry than to admit that you loved and lost, to move on. I wonder to myself how I could be so filled with this blind, violent rage just too weeks ago and now only wish that we didn't have to sling icy words at eachother, that we could just admit that we both did wrong. I think that things are starting to sink in with me. I find myself feeling like every song reminds me of him and I choke back tears on the MAX or sitting at the dining room table (I guess I shouldn't be crying about the fact that we have surround sound, heh). But I always choke them back. I wake up from these bizarre dreams, about him or about being hunted and hiding or about deep green swimming pools full of animals. My head which went to bed dulled and restless by wine and exhaustion wakes up full of thoughts that I can't clean off in the shower. I spend the day thinking about getting a fellowship to travel the world, about my art thesis someday, about teaching English/being a stripper in Japan (heh). I know I haven't dealt with it because I don't want to dwell on it. But it's hard when you're thinking about someone and not wanting to, but not wanting to not.