absinthe

the world is full of so much nonsense.

I'm having a hard time intellectually lately. I just have so much information flying at me all the time, all these ideas that i have to chew on and brood on. Coupling that with questions about what I want to do with my life, with my art, what life means, what art means ... It makes me feel mired down in the complexity of trying to understand how I fit into everything in the world, how I will find a job, how I will fit into the worlds of psychology, teaching, art. If I even want to fit in, if i can at all. I need to get things sorted out; but I'm starting to feel like this school year, my whole life has been one big process of sorting things out. When do I just get to do nothing? When do I just live?
The things that I love so much: learning, art, Boy, friends, even SG, the things that give me life, are starting to just fill me with this deep insecurity and anxiety. All I want to do lately is write poetry and travel to some foreign place. But even writing poetry is a dillemna in itself. How can language be enough to describe this feeling? How can language be enough to describe anything?
I try to tell myself that its the process of creation that holds whats important. i just feel like my life is just a tiny thing in the big scheme of things, and no matter what wonders i learn or understand or create I'll still just be a tiny flower that blooms and eventually is swallowed up by the earth. Worrying about these things all the time makes me feel like I'm wandering in this anxiety dream that I cant wake up from. I used to feel like I wasnt fully living as a kid because I never had the choices to live how I wanted (when you're a kid you have to live with and do what your parents say). Now I feel like there are a milion doors and I dont know which ones are locked or where the open ones lead. I guess i should consider myself lucky to have the priveldge of getting to choose at all ... but thats like saying if you dont eat whats on your plate someone poor starves. I dont know.


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